Permenant Masquerade

Chapter 8-Roller Coaster of Emotions

I am so freaking upset. My parents hold too high of a standard for me to live up to. I try to be better. I try to acheive greatness foor them and its never flipping enough. I will never be their perfect daughter. GET OVER IT! ive thought many times of running away but that is not and never will be an option. Ive tried to be perfect Mormon girl and its not working. I just have too many issues for people to handle. My parents had crappy childhoods and want the best for me. I understand that but honestly! I understand im not nor ever will be enough! I UNDERSTAND! I dont need people rubbing it in my face daily. The only time i am happy is when i read or am away from my family. I have laughs with them once in a while sure, but seriously its all crap. If my parents ever read this then they would cry, be sorry and then things would go back to exactly the way they were. It happens every time i tell them how i feel. I told my mom a lot more than i shouldve the other day and she cried and kept saying oh baby oh baby im so sorry, but then things went back to this. I know they are trying to be good parents, and they are. they give me so much but they dont understand. If i could get anything for christmas it would be people understanding exactly how i feel and not pitying me but understanding. I am grateful for the things my parents have done for me but, i just want them to understand how i feel. I guess i cant really expect that of them if i dont even know how i feel exactly. Therapy has helped a little but...Not as much as i would have hoped. When i go, everything feels like its gonna turn around and be for the better. But then i end up back in this rut im so sick of falling into. Its so funny because people say you are beautiful, you are amazing! you are gorgeous! you are smart, you are this that and the other. Oh really? If im actually all those things you say i am then why cant i get guys to like me. Or talk to me. Why cant i have my parents be proud of me. Why cant i have people surround me that i can actually trust? Why cant i be happy? 

Can you understand how hard it is to have all of these emotions stirring through my body? All anxiety is is just fear. And I am the largest scardy cat and worrier you will ever meet. My mom is trying to get me to talk to her but she is just going to hurt me again, She tries to help but it doesnt work! She tries when she finds time for it. She tries when its convinient to her schedule. And with her being relief socioty president makess it so much more difficult. Now if you are investigating the mormon church, dont think that everyone is like this. Everyone has skeletons in the closet (I dont actually have skeletons, ive never murdered anyone. Its just an expression.) These are just my skeletons. Mormons are great people. They have their nasties who think they are better than everyone else but any place you go has people like that. And in reality? They are just putting up a facade because they are scared.

I am going to throw up. Im only a freshman and ive already ruined my life. I failed in 7th grade. Im still finishing 8th grade in the middle of summer because i was an idiot in the middle of the schoolyear and i didnt do schoolwork because i didnt want to. Did i really think that was going to work? I am not going to make it to college, im going to turn out like my mom. My mom is a great woman but i dont want to be like her. She dropped out of college to marry my dad then tried to finish it when i was in 6th grade.That didnt last for long. She got her bachelors but...if anything ever happened to my dad we would be slightly screwed. im so afraid of the future. I was working so hard to get into BYUHawaii because it is one of the hardest schools to get into if you live in the states, which i do. I worked so hard but then when my parents stuck me into online school it just went down from there. I failed. And ive never failed at anything in my life. Im NOT a failer. Im NOT one to give up. But look at me now. Im screwed.