Solace

There's Not Much Left

Everything I had dreamed about seemed to have been forgotten. Forever lost like a ghost in the endless fog. Never to be seen again. My eyes opened to the cold breeze our window let in. Ghostly white curtains swayed softly to the gentle wind. I shivered, feeling my "lover's" cold skin against mine. So I reached out & grabbed our thin white sheet then covered myself with it. I was far too cold to share it. my girlfriend didn't need it, even if the temperature was below zero. She can just freeze to death. The blanket was no help because it was too thin & cold from the wind. I hated that. But, apparently, Annabelle didn't. Sighing, I kicked the worthless piece of cloth away. I shivered violently as I tried to brace myself against the cold temperature. I'd close the window, but I had to keep it open for my girlfriend. She had this type of health condition that when she gets too hot, she'd stop breathing or something. I honestly don't remember; let alone bother caring enough. The only reason why I didn't want her dead was because I didn't want to be in charge of her funeral & shit. True, Annabelle tried so hard to fill in for Brian & make me care for her or at least appreciate her, but she just wasn't enough for me. I was an asshole, yes. I was everything I never thought I'd be. I was selfish, a man who cared about no one but himself.

Why?

Days ago I started to relapse. I was considered fine for a few years after our departure until this decaying month. Slowly, I grew distant, my big personality started to dissipate. I was dissolving under water.

The only colors I seemed to show were black, white, & blue.

White. A color so hollow & meaningless. It was just so fucking empty like the way I was. It was just so plain that it stood for nothing but death for the dead. I had no escape whatsoever. It was just an endless ocean of white. Every twist & every turn. Every nook & every fucking endless tunnel. There was no way out. I was just there among the dead. Swimming in hopeless hopes of finding some type of closure, I find no resolution to my great depression. There was no escape in a place so dead & lonely.

Blue. It was a color signifying my demise. Every single tear I had yet to shed. It was what I was drowning in. Despair. The lack of joy & hope. Something to fill me up with joy & purpose. Something to refuel me. Knowing that there was nothing capable of doing so, I felt weaker like I had already lost my battle. I didn't want to end up like the weak ones... those who were taught to slit their wrists to cope. That wasn't me. I was not weak. But, unfortunately, the more I though about it the weaker I became. The weaker I got, the more destructive I was. The more more destructive I was, the weaker I got. It was a sad cycle that I could not swim away from. I was drowning in that fucking cycle.

Black. It was the bottomless pit I was sucked in to... nothing for miles & miles but blackness. It fed on fear of the lost & the remaining hope they had very slowly. I felt it. I knew I did. Slowly, the darkness consumed me from the inside, making me grow more & more hollow. Everything I lived for: gone. Every single hope & dream I had dissipated as I fell into oblivion. I blurred in the entire picture until I was nothing but an ugly smudge.

But I tried my best to disguise my true colors with bright, happy ones to somehow convince myself or at least train myself to feel that way. No one could know how I felt. I didn't need their sympathy. They wouldn't understand completely how I felt. Fuck, even I didn't know. Maybe it was because I didn't have anything to live for anymore...? No, that couldn't be it. I had a girlfriend. But she really wasn't enough. She wasn't the one for me. As much of an asshole this made me sound, I hardly even liked her. I didn't love her. No. She was just a substitute of some sort. The only reason why she was here was to make me feel less lonely, but her presence killed me. Why? She wasn't what I wanted. She wasn't who I needed. I needed something else. Not her.

I sighed then sat up, rubbing my face with my finger tips. The world seemed to have spun as a stood up, causing me to fall back down. Annabelle's eyes flew open & for a second she looked lost.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?" She asked me groggily. I tried to think of a reasonable answer or if I should just tell her what's really going on, but I chose not to speak anyway. What's the point? She was only gonna try & be sympathetic. I didn't need that.

I rolled my eyes in petty annoyance, "Nothing. Go back to bed."

She sighed in response before she turned her back on me. So early in the morning & you're already hurting her feelings... I suppressed a sigh to try to make her feel less if a disappointment. After all, even if I didn't love her, I had to show her that I somewhat cared enough not to break her more. She had been broken since she was little. It was my role to fix her, but she was really the one trying in our relationship. I'd love her back if I had a heart, but my heart was simply a rotting sore in my chest reserved for someone else. It wasn't for her. I had to try, right? She was still my girlfriend. So I wrapped my weak arm around her emaciated waist & kissed the back of her neck softly.

"I love you..." I mumble emptily. She nodded in response. My words went right through her, never getting processed properly. I hardly ever told her that, so she probably doesn't believe me when I say it. It wasn't real anyway. I was too empty to love.

I was fading into the void. Slowly, I started to crumble. There wasn't much to hold on to. I could just give up & give in. Let the black hole suck me in with no regret. No wishes to keep holding on. No determination to try to get back up because I had no motivation whatsoever. There was no reason to try at all. Maybe I could just give up already. I wasn't even fighting anymore.

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