Solace

Without You I'm Nothing

I walked a lonely road, a lonely life. I didn't know who I was, where I'm at, or why I was there in the first place. There was no me. I had no reason, no hope. Just empty feelings. I stood for nothing. Just a fool who tried to survive.

Sure, millions of people had cheered for me. Cheered for us, I mean. Lots of them hardly knew of my existence. The fans only wanted me because I was famous. They see me smiling & some nice facade I kept. They didn't see the lonely me at all.

There were all these bad things going around in the world, but none of those bothered me. They mattered as much as I did. Why? I was not alive. I was just an invisible existing being. I had no sole purpose. In fact, there was nothing to live for. Nothing to fend for. Not even myself. I had no lover & my parents were long gone. All these people that surrounded me just buzzed, going about in their own business. I felt their words going right through me. Our exchanged words didn't even seem to be direct. They didn't matter either. There was only one thing that mattered to me. There was only one thing that I fought for. The only reason I stood for. There was only one reason why I kept holding on.

And, that was the worst part.

That one reason happened to be my undying love for someone. Someone who I knew I had no chance with. Absolutely no chance with at all. I was miserable & desperate. No matter how loud or how much I yearned & begged for his attention, he just couldn't seem to hear. So I kept calling. I kept trying. But it was useless. No matter how glamorous I got or how much passion I put into any of my work, he just wouldn't see me.

So, I kept walking.

I kept walking because I knew I couldn't stop for anyone because I wouldn't be able to move forward & progress. He wouldn't stop for me, anyway. I was just another pitiful addition in this world's population. There was nothing special to stop for & pick up. Even if I did stand around & tried to show off what I had for him, I wasn't worthy enough. I understood why. If I couldn't love myself, then what more about other people? I kept walking in hopeless hopes of having him by my side just for once. That was all I needed to live. Actually live.

I sat down by a bench. My legs had carried me to some deserted area. There was no one around for miles. No wildlife. No plants. Just me & the stars. I had no idea why I was here in the first place. Didn't remember how I got out of bed, how I left my girlfriend there, & got out of the house. I just remembered walking. Just walked until I ran out of things to think about. Walking until there was nothing completely. I was the only being left yet somehow I felt like there was this burst of happiness inside me & a warm feeling blanketed me. I guessed I just needed some time alone. Just some time to clear my mind. Time was perfect. It was all I needed.

The wind blew my braided hair strongly that they looked like they were flying. I guessed they needed time as well. Maybe they were looking for another purpose to hold on to just like I was. I wasn't sure.

It was getting cold & it was getting darker than dark. The silver orb in the sky was starting to grow dim. Was that a reflection of my life? of course, it wasn't. There were only too fucking little happy moments in my life. There was nothing to dim. Little specks of light in the sky flickered. Were they dulling the way I was? Or did they signify something else? Something like a relapse, perhaps? Bright, dark, bright, dark?

The wind was howled loudly. My braids were flying all over the place! I couldn't hold onto them. My hands were filled with a bouquet. It was the most beautiful bunch flowers I had ever seen. Why? My reason was the one who gave it to me. It was the very first bouquet. The flowers were nearly dead. Dead white roses, dying pink roses, & lively blood red ones. There were some tiny dead white flowers mixed in it. There was no way I was letting go. I lost them once & I wasn't losing them again. Nope. Not this time. There were far too many memories attached to it to let go. Besides, they were too beautiful.

My braids whipped around my face wildly as I tightened the grip on my bouquet. My braids did hurt my skin a tad. They hit my cheeks & my eyes & wherever they could get to. The dark sky was turning grey around me. And, before I knew it, a thick fog surrounded me. I was enveloped in it, hidden from everything. It really didn't make a difference. No one ever saw me.

The fog was growing thicker & thicker. It almost hurt to breathe. Each breathe was painful to inhale. Each breathe was hard to exhale. I was hanging onto each & every breathe like my life depended on it. I needed to escape.

Of course, there was an escape. The ground could open up & swallowed me whole. I made a wish. I made a wish for it to swallow me. That was what I currently needed. To end it. To find that happy land somewhere. To pacify my suffering.

The fog had somewhat cleared, exposing an opening in the ground just below my feet. The dark pit was a mouth waiting to be fed yet another hollow soul. It was like a sacrifice. My life was a sacrifice. The hole was my happiness. To keep me happy, I must sacrifice. I had to ache to relieve. The pit grew larger in size. It was impatient to be fed. I was eager to feed. I was eager to ache.

"Jeordie?" A familiar voice called from beyond the fog. I knew who it was instantly. My purpose.

Alas, it was too late before I could reply.

The ground opened up from underneath me, devouring me completely. I saw nothing but black. Something I had always wished to see. I disappeared.