Beautiful Mess [UsUk / AmeDen]

Chapter XI

May

All throughout the spring break, Alfred felt himself fall apart more and more with each day, to a point where he didn't even recognize what was real and what wasn't. He lived his life taken away by a complete haze, everything was in a total blur and he did not have much more hope that it would be fixed, at least not any time soon. Panic attacks got to him every second hour and it got harder to calm down from them each time. Arthur was there to help him, luckily, and even Emma interfered a couple of times when he needed an extra hand to stay in touch with reality. The hallucinations were so intense, they managed to make him cry a couple of times, scream out loud in hope that it would stop. And it never did.

By now, people thought he was insane. He couldn't hide it much from anyone and half of the people in his dorm knew what was going on, seeing him break down in the cafeteria and the dining room as well. They did not care too much about it, yet some of them still accused him of only seeking for attention. And those comments hurt, a lot at that point.

Today was the last day of holidays, which meant he would have to face Matthew after two weeks, and he was utterly scared of what his brother thought of him, what they would say to each other... After all, they were in really bad relations at the moment. Alfred still didn't officially find out about their engagement, not even from Adrienne, but he knew that the girl most probably wanted to say it, yet wasn't allowed to because of her fiancé. The delusional thinking made him drown in the belief that his brother hated him from the bottom of his heart.

Alfred constantly lived in fear that he would hurt people unintentionally, without even knowing he hurt them. He had anger breakdowns often, but they had fortunately never escalated into anything physical. Though, it could happen, and he wouldn't know because he'd still be living in that haze. And if it did happen, he could end up in some place he didn't want to be in.

He told Arthur a couple of thousand times to leave him alone, but not because he wanted to be alone. He simply wanted to protect his significant other once he realized what he could do if he lashed out too much. Still, the Englishman tried his best to stay by the other's side even at the darkest hours, no matter how difficult it was for him personally, too.

Seeing the American so lost and out of touch with the real world made him sad, mad and every other negative emotion one could think of at the spot. A little bit hopeless, perhaps, since he didn't know how to help him properly. He could only be there, hold his hand, guide him through taking deep breaths and whispering words of reassurance, but he felt as if it meant nothing to a mind which wasn't really there.

Oh, he was wrong. To Alfred, it meant everything to have emotional support in a moment when he was surrounded by darkness, chased by his own shadows and insulted by the voices in his own head. It made him feel loved and cared about.

All the way in Montréal, Canada, Adrienne and Matthew were finally packing their things for the way back to New Haven. They had the time of their lives in Quebec, but now it was time to go back to college work and student loans. It was their last year, after all, and they loved doing it so it served no problem. The only small problem was facing Alfred again after an intense fight and two weeks of separation. Matthew was just as scared as his brother, feared being emotionally hurt once again. Underneath that mask of logical acts and bluntness stood repressed feelings, sensitivity, something that the older American was always scared to show, especially since he was the one that needed to take care of Alfred once they lost their parents. Only Adrienne had the opportunity to see him at his most vulnerable state.

"Did we forget anything?" Adrienne asked as she rushed through the house to get every single thing they brought with them or bought while they were here. Her parents helped them pack their suitcases, and Jeanne wanted to throw in two boxes of her homemade cookies to keep them safe on the ride home, but they refused. They had too much stuff to carry already.