Desire | Shawn Mendes

FORTY SEVEN

Song of the Chapter: Champagne Problems - Taylor Swift

"You had a speech / You're speechless / Love slipped beyond your reaches / And I couldn't give a reason / Champagne Problems..."

- j -

Shawn closes the door to the trunk of his Jeep and he takes my luggage and rolls it along the pavement as we walk over to the station. Neither one of us has really said anything other than simple conversation about luggage and the train ride and the plane ride. We walk up the steps and head inside the station; not that many people are inside, only about seven, and there are two in line to purchase a ticket at the window. Shawn waits with me in the line.

I have my hand out at my side in case he wants to hold it, but he keeps his hand in his pocket. My stomach is in knots and I feel like throwing up. I open my mouth to say something but I can't bring myself to say anything.

"Where to?" The man at the window asks as it's my turn to purchase a ticket.

"New York." I reply.

"Round trip or one way?"

"One way." Shawn answers as he takes out his credit card.

A few minutes later I'm at the platform with Shawn. He waits with me for the train that would be arriving in a few minutes. The two of us sit on a bench, a small distance between us.

"This reminds me of How I Met Your Mother." I say in an attempt to break the silence.

"Mm." Shawn nods once. He still wears the suit from earlier and I can tell he wishes he had taken it off.

"You know, when Ted finds the courage to speak to the mother and they find out they have the same initials." I continue. "And they realize the universe works in funny ways."

"The yellow umbrella." Shawn speaks.

"Yeah. The yellow umbrella." I nod. "The universe is funny, because..."

"I should probably move my car." Shawn says as he gets up. Just as he gets up, the train begins to arrive. I watch as he doesn't even turn to tell me goodbye, but instead mutters a pathetic, "Later."

"I'll call you when I arrive in New York." I reply. I grab my luggage and board onto the train then pick a seat. I take my Birkenstocks off and hug my knees to my chest as I place my phone on the table in front of me. I grab my phone and slip back into my sandals before leaving my ticket on the table and my luggage under the table as I go to the bathroom on the train. I lock myself in and turn the faucet on as I begin to sob.

I just want to take back that moment if it'll make him happy. Even it if makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable with the idea of us moving too fast; I just want him to not give me this treatment because of my answer, which he claims to respect. I just want to be home, and not Chicago, but New York and I want to talk to my mom, but she doesn't even want to talk to me. She didn't even wish me a happy birthday. I just want my mom and Shawn, but I doubt either one of them wants me.

I feel so friendless.

"Stop." I say lowly to myself. "Stop crying over them."