Desire | Shawn Mendes

ELEVEN

Shawn

Song of the Chapter: She'll Be the One

"She'll be the love I can't let go / Oh, but how can I not try?"

= =

Her shoes, I wished I could be in them for so long, but now that I am in them, I regret wishing that so many times.

I wish I could have felt the pain she felt in the cab when I looked her in the eyes and calmly told her I didn't love her anymore. Throughout those four years, I always wondered what it was like to be on the receiving end of someone telling you that they no longer love you. And today that wish was granted. She still looks at me, completely unfazed by how bad she has hurt me. Oh fuck. That's how I was to her, wasn't it? That's how I looked breaking her heart, didn't I?

"You don't love me anymore?" I ask as I try my hardest to not look like it completely broke me on the inside.

"I don't think I stuttered." She says as she casually shakes her head. She grabs her mug of tea and takes a drink before setting it back down on the table. "Not to sound rude."

"When did you realize that you were over me?" I ask her.

"You did that ad campaign for Gucci and I had to make room in my article for it. That advertisement was all almost everyone at my office could ever talk about. I managed to drown out everything everyone had to say about you and I just didn't care about it or about you. I genuinely did not care and I wasn't pretending anymore, either. There was not a thought of you in my mind. I just looked at it, didn't feel a damn thing, and just went, eh." Jasmine shrugs.

"It took me a while to get over you, though." She continues. "There was still a little love, but it left. The love is gone."

"So you really don't love me anymore?" I ask her.

"No. And I'm sorry if you had any thought about wanting to get back together."

How can she just sit there and not seem to care about me? This Jasmine isn't the Jasmine that I used to know. She's changed. She seems cold and her empathy vanished. I have the rest of the night to figure out if she's still the same old Jasmine, and hopefully, there would be a part of her that would still want to ask me "how high?" if I asked her to jump. Hopefully the girl who loved me so much was still there.

"I have to ask," I begin, "how did it feel when I left you?"

Jasmine narrows her eyes at me and she suddenly leans back in her seat and I see her chest rising up and down slowly. "De ja vu."

"Huh?" I ask her.

"I just asked Robin Cooper that the other day when I interviewed her. You know whats funny? I saw so much of myself in her." She says.

"I didn't get a chance to read it." I say.

"You really wanna know what it felt like when you left me?" She asks me. I nod my head and she takes a sip of her tea before clearing her throat. "It hurt so fucking bad. I remember not wanting to board the plane because I didn't know if I would be able to control myself for a whole ride. Most of my time on the plane to Chicago was spent in the bathroom crying. I cried so much that I nearly drowned every time I thought of you. But you know what? I wish I did drown, because then I would finally be free from you."

"Oh." Is all I can say.

"But that's not all. You hurt me so much that I had to go seek psychological help! I spent so many nights sleepless, so many days without eating, so many afternoons without showering. I was literally depressed, Shawn, you hurt me so bad I became depressed. It didn't help seeing you everywhere. How could I try to get over someone who was everywhere? You possessed my mind and my dreams, turning those into nightmares. You hurt me so incredibly bad that I don't even wish you could feel what I felt. I wished so many times that you could feel what I felt, but now, now I'm starting to rethink that."