You're Like Heroin To Me

Darkness Inside and Life Begins Again

When we get back to the room I flip on the TV and strip my clothes back off and climb back into one of the beds. The maids have changed the sheets and cleaned the bathroom and taken out the trash; this is one reason I love hotels, everything is clean and I didn't have to clean it. Slash does the same and snuggles down beside me. I just want to doze off in his arms but before I can do that Slash looks at me and asks "Iz, how did you know that you wanted this, to sleep with guys? I'm obviously not your first, you said Nikki was; what happened?

I freeze for a second, feeling my body stiffen up with fear and disgust at the thought of my first time; It wasn't really Nikki, my first time consisted of Axl forcing himself into me, furious at me for kissing him, screaming about me being a faggot while he fucked me. I told Slash it was Nikki Sixx who actually did even more horrible things to me than Axl ever did. At least Axl apologized. It was like Axl had gone psychotic or something, his eyes had changed when he attacked me and he turned from my friend into some brutal, horrible animal and didn't know what he was doing. As soon as he realized what he had done he grabbed me and held me and cried his heart out apologizing. I saw the moment his eyes changed back to normal, he had gotten off and then shoved me over into the floor. He was sitting across from me panting while I was laying there sobbing and all of a sudden it was like a switch had been flipped. Something changed in Axl's eyes and the person I knew was back. Later I figured out that he probably had some sort of psychotic break related to him being sexually abused when he was little. But neither of us knew that at the time. We were both just terrified teenagers who couldn't believe what had just occurred was real. But I don't want Slash to know about Axl. He would fucking kill him if he knew. I'd come to terms with what happened between Axl and me but I would never be able to deal with what Nikki did to me. The night I spent with Nikki was so much more horrific and Nikki knew exactly what he was doing.

I break out in a sweat and Slash suddenly sits me up holding my shoulders and looking into my eyes. "Izz, what's wrong?" he asks, his brown eyes searching my grey ones in a panic. He reaches down and picks up my hands, holding them in his and stroking the backs of them with his thumbs. He lets go of one hand and reaches up and strokes my face. "You look terrified Izzy, what happened baby? I just look at him with tears in my eyes and my body shaking. "Do you want me to hold you?" he asks me softly. I nod my head and I find myself enveloped in strong, caramel colored arms, sitting in Slash's lap, my face buried in his neck. I cling to Slash in absolute terror, shaking with fear at the remembered horror of that night with Nikki. I can't believe the reaction I'm having to this memory, Slash probably thinks I've gone off the deep end. He doesn't ask any more questions; he just continues to hold me as tightly as he can and kiss me lightly on the forehead, my cheeks, my hands, and strokes my hair. Finally he turns my face up and places a soft kiss on my lips." Whatever happened you don't have to tell me baby, I'm so sorry I asked. I didn't know," he says apologetically.

His eyes are dark pools of regret and shame at having hurt me by asking me a simple question and I can also see how worried he is about me. God I'm so in love with him; I think he's falling for me too, despite what he said the other day... I shake my head and sit up and look at him. "You didn't do anything wrong Slash, I knew you would ask sometime, everyone's curious about their lover's pasts and I knew you want to know about mine considering that you didn't know I even liked guys," I manage to choke out in sobs.

"But it's hurting you Izzy, you're crying, obviously something bad happened, I've never seen you get freaked out like this; you're always so laid back unless you're mad at Axl," he says running a finger down my cheek.
I take a deep breath and steel myself for what I'm about to tell him. I look up into those deep brown pools that are his beautiful eyes and right now they're so full of worry and I begin to talk. "I always knew I liked guys just as much as girls, from the time I was about 12 I just knew, I'd get hard looking at both. Then I met Axl and I knew for sure but he would never get close enough, always just keeping me at arm's length.