Build-A-Boyfriend

36

"Ok, I have a plan..."

Louis groans loudly but I wave my hands to shush him.

"No, it's a good one-"

"So long as it doesn't involve me having to get involved in foursome with Farquaad and Cinderella-"

"Shut up, Zayn. No hear me out. Ok, so we have two months left, right? Let's just go to the press! We'll just tell the papers what Dr P is up to, there's no way he can destroy anyone if the media already knows about it...."

I look round at the skeptical faces. "... Or you can all just stare at me stupidly. That's not annoying..."

"Forgive me, sweet maid, but I believe the trecherous doctor has already foreseen this desirable outcome. As was mentioned in former correspondence-"

"What Hamlet is trying to say is that- if you'd bothered to read the contracts- you'd know that Dr P has obtained a injunction against the media and with government permission, he can conduct his year without any media interference. So basically-" Zayn draws on his cigarette. "... we're fucked."

"I still have £40,000 in my account." I press on, ignoring Zayns horribly valid points. "That 40k-"

"Isn't even enough to buy Harry's upper body. Or his bottom half, whichever you prefer to keep." Zayn smirks.

"Disgustingly crude, you foul creature." Louis sniffs. "Tell us, where is our dear brother?"

"He's out at his coffee morning with the grannies." I sigh, shoving Zayns feet off the coffee table and plonking myself next to him as he scowls.

"Ah, tis a fellow of noble heart who seeks to bring gladness to the heart of his elders." Louis glances at the clock. "Indeed, the hour approaches from whence I should depart-"

"You've only just got here." I frown. I thought you and Harry were going to hang out for a few hours-"

"It was my intention... However... My cordless speaking box informs me that I am to be otherwise engaged."

Cordless speaking box? I frown at Zayn who rolls his eyes and points to his own mobile phone.

"Are you sure you don't want to stay for din-"

"Alas," Louis hurries to grab his sword and check his deep red velvet cap in the mirror, "I do not have time to tarry! Forgive me, sweet maid, for I must depart!"

In his haste to leave he almost trips over Dave, although I could swear that Dave purposefully positions himself in Louis' way.

"Well that was just weird." I say, shaking my head at the door that Louis has just half galloped out of.

"Huh, not really. He only came here to shake me off."

"What do you mean?" I turn to frown at Zayn, before realising what he's doing and grabbing the cigarette out of his hand. "You're not allowed to smoke in here!" I snap.

"Sheesh. Keep your knickers on." He mutters.

"What do you mean about Louis?"

"We'd arranged to spend the day together, but he wanted to cancel. I said no." Zayn grins wickedly. "Just because it's funny it see him get his velvet knickers in a twist-"

"That's horrible."

"Anyway, he's been trying to get rid of me all day. It's been highly amusing. He tried to lose me in a department store so I got them to put out an announcement for a missing person and he was frog-marched to the front of the shop-"

"Zayn!"

"Looks like this was his last big idea anyway. Pretend he wants to hang out with Harry then ditch me as soon as we got here."