Today is Wednesday, yes...Wednesday.
Yesterday I found myself sitting in English class, waiting for the time to pass by.
Thoughts of somehow making contact with Connor made me anxious.
My dumb heart wanted me to make a fool of myself before I left here.
And I was actually listening to it.
Ended up feeling idiotic after I tried to draw him as a Cartoon character.
Why would I even say that it looked like him?
Even if it did.
You never tell someone they look like a cartoon.
Especially if that cartoon...is an animal.
Stupid! Stupid!
Stupid.
I hate myself for that.
Always jumping and doing things before I think them through.
Sometimes I waste all my time thinking, only to end up doing nothing I wanted to do.
So I pounce on the opportunity at hand.
And it's always a stupid decision.
He must think I was making fun of him.
But honest...I wasn't.
He walked out of the classroom, and left the picture behind.
It shattered me completely.
I could feel my cheeks heat up from embarrassment.
"What an asshole." Anna spoke beside me.
I nodded numbly.
My eyes burned and tingled, my throat felt like it was closing up.
I couldn't breath. I had to get out.
When we exited the classroom, I watched as Connor sped down the hall.
That was silly of me to think he'd appreciate it.
I had forgotten all about the person he was now.
Cold, head-strong, unforgiving.
I let the thought linger around in my head too long, that he was the same person...as before?
And I ended up believing it.
Dumb of me. I had simply forgotten how he shunned me and Anna.
Now I was the one overstepping, wanting to get involved again.
Just for the thrill.
Nothing so stupid will come from me again.
I'm sure of it.
****
When I reached the classroom, I sat down and immediately folded my hands on the desk, hiding my face in my arms.
I was ashamed.
I couldn't face Connor today.
Not today.
After I did something completely embarrassing yesterday.
I heard the teacher begin talking, he was loud. Almost overriding the music I had blasting into my eardrums. They were already on max volume, and couldn't go any louder.
I would go deaf. But at the moment that didn't seem all too bad.
Maybe then I wouldn't hear the laughter of...
No. I shouldn't say his name.
He isn't Connor anymore. He's nothing like the Connor I knew in Middle School.
The teacher finally stopped talking. But then I felt a sharp edge digging into my skin.
As I looked up, I could see the boy that sat at my table. He was trying to pass me a paper.
Well of course. We couldn't just watch a simple movie without taking notes.
The teacher started the film, I didn't feel like listening to.
The song still played loudly in my ears.
The voice of Billy Eilish was repetitive.
I made sure that the song was endless.
I loved this song.
The words were just so accurate.
I could sing them over and over, like they were just for me and my horrible situations.
They matched so perfectly.
Tomorrow, I want to be in a good mood.
But for that, I need pumped up music...and cute clothes!
Yes.
*****
It was lunch now. Me, Jahnelle, and Taylor hurried to the MPR.
The MPR was supposed to be smaller, quieter,
air-conditioned.
But that's another one of Kenwood's lies.
The cafeteria and the MPR are almost exactly the same.
The only that seems true about the differences is that it's smaller.
As we sat down, Jahnelle went straight to the lunch line.
Me and Taylor settled down at the table.
Jeremiah soon strolls over to our table.
I smile kindly.
Taylor does the same.
This group gathering has become constant. A routine.
Jahnelle goes get food, we sit down, and Jeremiah comes over.
And honestly, I didn't mind it.
I loved B-days the best cause I got to see both Jahnelle and Taylor.
Jeremiah sits down and starts speaking.
Though, I don't pay much attention.
Taking out my lunch, the first that comes out is the croissant my dad bought me from Royal Farms.
"Oooo I love Croissants!" Jahnelle squeals when she comes back.
I smile, pulling a slice of turkey meat from it.
Taylor laughs for some unknown reason as I slap the two bread buns together.
Jeremiah laughs too.
Soon I catch onto the inside joke.
******
Me and Anna trudged into the Gymnasium.
"So you mean the accent's fake?!" She whisper shouts.
I nod, laughing.
"Yeah! I wasn't too convinced it was his real accent though."
Anna's jaw hung open.
"Wow. What an imposter." She joked.
