The next day I decided to visit my mothers grave for the first time since her funeral. I didn't want to go alone but I had to talk to her in private. I grabbed an apple for breakfast before heading out.
"Where you goin'?" Jamie called to me as I opened the door.
"Out" I replied.
"Can I come?" she asked.
"No, I'm just going for a walk. I won't be long" I said before closing the door behind me. I decided to nip into the corner shop for flowers first. It wasn't far to the cemetery so it didn't take me long to get there. Even though I'd only been here once, I still remembered where her grave was.
I counted eleven rows back then walked along the long line of grave stones until I found hers. I set down the pink tulips i'd bought, they had been her favourite. I sat down, running my hands over the soft blades of grass as I collected my thoughts.
I knew what I wanted to say, I just didn't know where to start. So I decided to just tell her everything that had happened over the past few years, start from the beginning.
"Hey mum" I whispered. I shivered in the cold breeze, I should have brought a jacket with me. I coughed, trying to clear my throat a little before speaking again. "I'm sorry I didn't visit you sooner. I just moved back here from Aunt Jenny's. She misses you, we all do" I sighed.
I thought back to the first day after I'd moved into my Aunts. I felt much calmer being there, away from all of the pitying eyes and the whispers. The nightmares went away after the first few days at aunt Jenny's but it seemed as though they were back again now. Maybe I just needed to get used to being back here.
Back then, the nightmares hadn't scared me. It was like it was only natural after seeing my mother die like that but now they'd come back after so long, that scared the crap out of me.
I didn't want to wake up each night, scared to move in the dark because I didn't know what could be out there, crying myself back into another nightmare.
"I'm worried about things at home" I started again. "Dad has a girlfriend so he's hardly home, Jamie seems to be allowed to do what she likes. She's ok at the moment because she's caught up with me being back but she can stay out all night and dad doesn't even bad an eye lid" I sighed heavily.
I was glad to be getting things off my chest but I also needed advise which I knew I couldn't get here.
"I wish I knew what had happened that night, I just can't let it go. They said you must have been using the oil lamp, but it doesn't make sense that you'd be out there so late" I looked up and stared into the distance. I'd never been able to work that one out. Maybe that was why I still had the nightmares. Maybe, maybe not.
I looked at my phone to check the time. I'd been out a while now, I should be getting back.
"Well, I told Jamie I wouldn't be long so I should probably go. I'll come back soon" I said as I stood up. I kissed the tips of my fingers before pressing them to the top of her grave stone.
"Love you mum" I whispered. A tear threatened to escape as I began to walk down the pathway but I quickly wiped it away.
When I arrived home, Jamie ran up to me asking me where I'd been. She reminded me of when she was little and I'd just started school, she would run up to me as soon as I walked through the door to give me a hug. She would tell me she'd missed me and a couple of times she even cried.
I gave a small chuckle at the memory and shook my head at her.
*************************************************************************************
Sorry - not finished yet :P
