melancholy | egd.

[tw] five days after

[ march 15 of 2018 - five days after ]
vivian | chapter eight: ...recovery?

IT'S BEEN five days since vivian tried to inflict harm onto herself and almost died. vivian had collapsed three since she's gotten here. on march tenth was the first time she got the sudden urge to cut but thankfully a nurse stopped her just in time. the consequence of her trying to cut herself, was having to spend more time in therapy and getting some of her privileges taken away. for instance, vivian is not allowed to watch tv or hang out with the other patients, unless they were lillian. but this sudden rule didn't change anything, she hadn't socialize with the others anyways.

march twelfth was her second time, which was less than twenty-four hours from the first time. she had escaped her room and came about the roof, where she stood on the edge overlooking downwards.as she glazed onto the people below her, she stood frozen in place with tears streaming softly down her face. a nurse had carefully and slowly guided her off the edge. once safe, she collapsed on the nurse and bursted out in tears. her punishment was being monitored twenty-four seven and being allowed to doing close to nothing, obviously without constantly being supervision by one of the nurses. she wasn't even allowed to pee or shower without a nurse leaning against the door frame and keeping an close eye on her.

march fourteenth was her third time, which was yesterday. two days after her second attempt, she felt being eaten up alive by her thoughts. her thoughts everyday weakened her, she felt more and more vulnerable to everything consuming her. with her insomnia constantly refusing to let her sleep, she often remembered of the good times she had with the boys and how much her actions must been effecting them horribly. overthinking so much about what ethan might see her as, derail her into paranoia.

she now laid in her room with an iv attached to her arm and being stripped from having any blankets. whenever she was cold, she was only able to bring her knees to her chest and hope this was warm enough. her once roommate had been changed from their shared room, it's not like she was present in here anyways. most of her time was dedicated to group therapy and walking around while peering outside.

[!] ever since she got her, time was never a concept for them. she never knew the time, she has no idea how long it's been. her mom never dared to visit her, not that she would be able to but it's the thought that counted. 

there was a lot of things that she missed, that she didn't think she would miss till now. she missed going to school, being able to spend the whole day with her friends and being able mess around with them. she missed the constant moody weather, she missed feeling the sun on her skin. she knew she was getting paler and her communication skills were starting to lack, due to her being away from socialization.

nurse nancy stepped inside her room and smiled softly at her, "are you ready for today's group therapy?"

"of course not." replied vivian with a soft smile. nancy held her hand out and helped vivian get up, she felt her legs wobble. they slowly walked down the hall, her bare feet touching the cold floor and desperately wanting to escape it.

when they arrived to the room, the chairs were already set up in a circle formation. only five chairs were being occupied, now six including vivian. she tried to sit as far away as she could from everyone else, she tried to do that so she wouldn't be called on to share her 'feelings'. luckily, she was able to get away from it the last past 4 meetings.

"hello lovelies, how are we feeling this afternoon?" said nurse jackson happily. she strolled down the middle, holding her folder close to her. her light brown hair was a mess, her baby hairs were sticking out and pushed all towards her face. her burgundy glasses were on the brink of her nose, she pushed them up before it slid down again. of course, today of all days she sat next to me.

"so as always, we'll have volunteers talk about their suppressed feeling or anything they'd like to talk about," chirped nurse jackson, soon she had three people raise their hands. "okay good, in this order you guys will go: scarlett, steve, and abby."

"so hi guys, i'm scarlett," introduced the medium skin toned girl with long black hair and pink ends. when she first came in she had pink hair, she's been here long enough that it's all the down to her waist. she's been trying to cut it down for a while now, but permission hasn't been granted yet. "so what I wanted to talk about was..."

vivian zoned out, she felt bad but most of these people talked about the same thing. they often talked about their progress, how much they wanted to go home and how occasionally they felt the urge. she listened in the first two days but now her thoughts consumed her, she thinks about her mom, her cat, and then her best friends. she wondered if they would still be her friend afterwards or if she would ever be strong enough to be their friends again.

"what about you, valerie?" nurse jackson called to her, she urged her to talk to the rest of the group members.

"vivian." her voice croaked.

"I'm sorry?" questioned nurse jackson. she looked through her folder, as if looking for an answer. "do you go by vivi? would you like to share with us?"

hearing her old nickname stung, it was a name given to her by grayson and ethan. she tried to never think about "my name is vivian not valerie or vivi."

"would you like to share-?"

"no." she cut her off and hid as much as she could with her arms wrapped around her. she dreaded so much being in these group sessions, she never had to talk before so why would she now.

[ I was gone for a whole year, came back and decided that I wanted to update this book or delete it. instead I felt like I should give it a shot to be ended nicely ]