The Attic

Chapter 10 - Diary Entry No. 2

Date: January 23, 2003

Time: 11: 12 P.M.

Dear Diary,

                I know, it’s been three nights since my last entry.

                My work is to blame. I had to stay up late to work on a design. I was honored to work on one of the most important soon-to-be landmarks in town. I was handpicked by our firm to take on the job, and it’s my pride to do so.

                Unfortunately, you’re not the only one I’ve lost time for. I feel guilty as I write this while Stella’s sound asleep upstairs, so I’ll try to make this quick and at the same time do my best to not leave out the most significant things that happened to me in the course of these past few days.

                The other day, Stella and I celebrated.

                I bought a bottle champagne from the wine shop owned by an old friend of ours. As planned, we had a romantic dinner by candle light. She left work early to cook the turkey I dressed the night before. I was so happy and I could say that she’s happy too. That was the last time that we slept together since then, for I’ve been fully occupied the next two days with work.

                I know I’m getting redundant with the word ‘work’, sorry. She leaves early for work just moments after I try to sneak into our room after working on a design. I know she knows that I just came in whenever I did. I can feel it. We haven’t talked much these past few days and I fear she must be thinking that I’m getting cold on her. Stella’s a very understanding person and that’s the only thing I’m both grateful of and afraid to abuse. I will try to find time for her one of these days.

                Stella’s lonely.

                She confirmed it not by telling me directly. Stella’s not that type of person that would confront you about your shortcomings. The other day, she asked me if she could fetch her pets from her place. I assumed that she had dual purposes for asking that. One, it was to keep her company while I lock myself up in my office downstairs while she’s left all to herself without me to share the bed at night. Second, yep, you guessed it. She’s lonely. I felt like my heart was pricked with a thorn as I looked at her eyes when she asked me. I gave her my permission even though she really didn’t need it. This house is hers as much as it is mine, and she didn’t need to ask if she could bring her cats here if she wanted to.

                She’s a cat lover. Stella’s cats have always been well fed and allowed to sleep inside the house. Whenever I visited her apartment, I was greeted by her cats that were all fat and fluffy. She took good care of them until we moved in together. She left the cats in the care of her sister. By now, my guess is that they’ve lost weight, knowing surely that none took care of those cats as good as Stella did.

                Right now, here cats are probably upstairs with her. I’m thankful that she did well in teaching them the discipline of defecating outside. I’d hate to clean up after the mess if her fluffy pets did otherwise.

                It’s so hard to make everything fit in such a tight schedule.

                What I noticed, no matter how much time I had at my disposal, it always runs out. Then I wake up without my love on her side of the bed, and then the cycle goes on. I go downstairs, look for food to reheat in the microwave. When I’m about to, I am greeted by what Stella prepared for me before she went to work. It’s just so unfair of me to not be able to show how much I care while she gets up just to prepare my breakfast before leaving. She never failed to do so since I started on this stupid design that robbed me of all the time I’m supposed to be spending with her.

                But she understands. I know she does.

                This is for us, for our future.

                One day, I will look back to this moment and tell myself that I was right, and that it was worth it.

                You’ll have to excuse me, sorry. Right now is just my coffee break to keep myself awake, so might as well use the spare minutes making an entry. Forgive me for cutting this short.

                Time to work again.