The Muslimah Musings

Repentance

Dedicated to mufeedah35

I said I wouldn’t run. But I did.

I promised, I vowed that this would be the last time that I would do such a thing. I wanted to stop running away from all my problems, as they delayed me from becoming who I wanted to become. But it just became too much for me. I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke.

I just wanted to run. I’ve been holding on for too long. I’ve been telling myself that this was just for a short period of time, that I should just hold on a little longer. But I’m sorry Allah, that I couldn’t.

Trying to be close to You, my Rabb, always feels like I’m losing myself in Your Infinite Mercy. Like I’m falling, and only you could catch me. I always feel that for You to be able to accept my repentance, I have to stop holding on, I have to just fall, with the trust that You would catch me. When I cry to You to forgive me, it feels like I’m wrenching my heart out, that I’m stripping myself bare, admitting to You that I’m insecure, and that I worry, that a day would come that You would stop listening to me. It feels like I’m breaking apart, just waiting for You to fix me, to give me hope, that everything would be better, that I could be better.

I remember your words when you say, “Say: O My slaves who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah, verily Allah forgives all sins. Truly, He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful”(Q39:53) and I have a renewed sense of hope, that You would forgive me.

Ya Allah, you know that I have a really bad addiction that I’m dealing with, and only You understand all what is in my heart and all that I go through. That is why I do not hesitate to talk to You during my salah, and have a conversation with You anytime I can, as I know that You hear me, and only You understand me. My Lord, I ask You to forgive me.

I ask You to forgive me for everytime I sinned, every time that I gave up, everytime that I shamelessly committed the deed not having the fear of You in my heart, everytime that I broke down when it all became too much for me to bear, everytime that I didn’t ask for Your forgiveness, every time that I assumed that You wouldn’t answer me anymore, and everytime I relied on other than You for relief of the pain in my heart, and everytime I forgot that commiting a sin would change me, that it would always do an irrevocable damage to my heart, no matter how little it is.

Everytime I fall, everytime I go back after I promise that I wouldn’t, I feel an immense shame wash over me. I feel so embarrassed that I would be the same one running back to You to ask for forgiveness, and that sometimes stop me. It makes me think that there is no possible way that You would forgive me. But as the Good, Just, Most-Merciful Rabb that you are, I remember that you dislike that Your slaves doubt Your ability to forgive, and so I run to You, with the hope that you forgive me.

With the hope that I never fall again.

Astagfirullah

Astagfirullah

 Astagfirullah

My Lord, forgive me.

Author's note

As-salamu alaykum and hey guys! Hope you all are doing well. I know that I said that I've completed this book but I couldn't just help add another chapter as a special somebody (winks) complained that it was too short.
So... I hope you all enjoy!