Sarah's Roses, Book I: Roses of Blue

Chapter XIX

Chapter XIX

Every day was sheer torture. Sammy became cold and distant and I allowed it to remain that way. He never called me Sarah any more, only Miss Rose and I had taken to calling him Sam, just as everyone else did. We would meet, we would talk, there was no escaping it, he was my gardener after all, but it was always and only strictly business. I hated it being that way, but what could I do? I knew I had hurt Sammy, hurt him to his very core and that was his way of dealing with it. We literally became strangers overnight. My one salvation was Elsie, she was really the one that kept me from sliding back. She knew better than I did how dangerous it was for Sammy and myself to be together. Slavery was her cold and honest life just as it was Sammy’s. One wrong move, one wrong word, and they would be in a lot of trouble. How could I, who was white and free, understand? I couldn’t, so I took her word for it and left him alone.

The fact that Uncle Andrew constantly watched me with the eyes of a hawk didn't make things any easier. Autumn turned to winter and winter dragged into early spring. All I wanted was to get away from the house, get away from Uncle Andrew, get away from the plantation, get away from Sammy, get away from it all, but where was I to go? I had hoped Mrs. Greensten would invite me to Greyhound, but that winter they were all caught up with her grandson, young Thomas Greensten, who had come down with scarlet fever. It was at this moment that I truly felt Jeff’s absence. Before, with Sammy around, I had hardly even noticed that Jeff was gone, now I felt so alone without him.

The Ides of March came around and with them an invitation from Prissy to come attend a party she was hosting. She even went so far to tell me that I could spend the night at her place. I hated Prissy and I hated going to her house, but at that moment I was too desperate to care. Uncle Andrew wasn’t too keen on the whole thing, he was about as fond of the Thompsons as I was, but I was determined to go. Albert wouldn’t be there, he had been sent to Yale, so there was no fear of him, and I was sure I could handle Prissy quite alright. She had been nicer to me of late, I think it was in the hopes I would put in a good word for her with Jeff and Uncle Andrew. I made up my mind that I would go and spend the weekend with Priscilla and her family and come home Monday.

Elsie collected my things and soon I was waiting outside for the carriage to come. Remembering I had left a book in the garden that I wanted to take with  me, I hurriedly went to fetch it.

“So, you’re really going over to the Thompsons?”

My hand shook when I heard Sammy’s voice, I fought to steady it.

“As you can see.”

“To visit Albert?” His voice was quiet and subdued but I easily detected jealousy mixed with annoyance in it.

“No, Albert is away at Yale,” I wasn’t in the mood for teasing, not with Sammy and not under our present circumstances.

“Then why are you going?”

“Because Prissy invited me.”

“You hate Prissy. You told me so many times how much you can’t stand her company. Why are you suddenly going to her now? You know you’re going to hate every moment there, so why even bother?”

“Honestly, Sam, what difference is it to you?” I gave an impatient sigh, though I hadn't mean to be as rude as it had come out.

“None I guess, as a slave,” the last three words had just a tint of sarcasm in them, “but knowing how much you hate her company, and seeing that her brother isn’t there, I’m just trying to figure out what is making you go over to her place? You’re going to regret it. The minute you get there you’re going to hate the very fact that you agreed to come! Spare yourself the trouble and stay back.”