Mental: Sick Sanity

Ch. 5: Never

I was alone. I was as I wanted to be but something seemed off –more so than usual.

I turned around to face them. I faced the only persons that I would kill. The only persons I hated so much that I would drag down in hell with me. Them.

I screamed my lungs out searching for a way to escape. I never screamed like this. I never screamed like this.

I never wanted to die so much as now. Absolutely never.

They laughed in my face. I couldn’t do more than shiver as the sound of their laughter. It was the one thing that terrified me –to death.

As much as I despised this –I wanted him here. I wanted his protection now. I guess it was too late. It was always too late for me.

I was always too slow. Too bad. For me.

I woke up from the horrific nightmare with more than release. I trembled, feeling watched by them. My thoughts often have them as intruders. They are the best poison you could give me. The worst thing I’d never get out of. They are like death.

They are feared, dangerous and evil.

I let out a brief bawl as my head got filled with them all over again. I wanted them out. I started moaning because of the pressure that started to lay siege on my skull.

Out of the blue, something wrapped around my shoulders, making me sit up. His arms were holding me to his chest. My eyes were squeezed shut because of the pain that embraced my whole head. I was sobbing silently now that I felt his touch.

I bet he was really happy…that his touch eased my sufferance. I have no reason, excuse or statement to defend myself with of the accusation that what I just thought was true. I am not a liar. It is true.

His hands slipped down to the small of my back and then continued moving up and down my back. He was not as cold as usual; his skin felt pleasantly hot. He was seated on the bed with me lying in his arms limp.

For the first time, I let him touch me. And it didn’t even bother me. This is what he’d call –as a psychologist- a progress.

The problem was that he wasn’t any psychologist. He was him. He was the one that fought for and –I’m not sure if- fortunately won my… affection?

***

There have been hours since my outbreak. I decided it was an outbreak even though, he would never use that word –I’m sure. In all this time, he held me in his arms without saying a word. He was even rocking me like I was a crying baby. I had no traces of tears on my face anymore and no sobs escaped my lips. I was strangely and awfully peaceful.

‘Peaceful’ –what a funny word.

I don’t think I ever used this word in my entire life. A smile crept its way to my lips when I thought about this. I wished I was…I don’t know what I want. I always knew what I want: to be left alone. Now, my wishes were all messed up and quite inexistent.

Isn’t it wonderful how many things can change just in a day? No. It isn’t wonderful when, in just a day, your life changes –in a nightmare. Though it depends on the change, bad overcomes good all the time. So it’s not good that things change so fast. It never was.  

The changes in my life happened in just days –and they brought me my demons. They brought me them. I hate changes. Because, usually, nothing ever gets better. It just gets worse.

He shifted, probably slightly numb because of my weight that was rested upon his body.

“Are you alright?” he asked in a hushed tone and with a hint of softness cuddling my ears.

How could my feelings towards him change so quickly? Just because he saved me from them?

I didn’t say anything but I actually made the effort to nod even if my head was buried in his chest. As I did so, his hand clenched my back and I felt as if he was smiling down at me. I didn’t look up to check if I was right but the suspicion was nagging my mind. Without any warning, his nose started ruffling my hair at the top of my head. I felt as if this was a dream. A dream I couldn’t possibly deserve.

***

(Narrator’s POV)

The face of the little girl with wild dark hair was scrunched up in pain. Her bruised arms and legs were flinching as she tried to restrain the pain she was feeling. Her screams were silent, just gasps sometimes getting out of her mouth.

*

The old, sick man pushed her hand towards the unconscious man’s neck. Her fragile and unsecure hand held a knife. A sharp knife that was pointed at the man’s neck right now. The knife that perforated through his skin seconds later, her tiny, scratched hand being guided by the old man’s.

He had a malicious grin throning on his face while the girl with dark eyes expected her tears to gather up. Though, it didn’t happen; she didn’t cry then.

*

It was time for her to get up and leave but they wouldn’t let her. The teachers started looking at her weirdly and the classmates were oddly avoiding making any contact with her. Her whole world was destroyed exactly when she was ready to leave her past behind. This was going to stay with her forever.

The fact that they all betrayed her.

The fact that they all judged and hated her with no reason behind it.

They made her kill.

They killed her on the inside.

They are her nightmares. Forever.

They are the irony –the fate’s lover- that changed her into a monster dragging demons along with her.

(Narrator’s POV- end)

***

Even so, I will become selfish and let this dream continue, much to my relief. I hope it won’t turn into a nightmare. It wouldn’t be the first time. After my huge sacrifice of even giving this a chance, I deserved not to be let down again.