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Tess Tells: My Brain is a Bastard

Tess Tells: My Brain is a Bastard

What's up, F@©kers?

I'm Tess, you may remember me from such films as 'Attack of the Puppet People' and 'Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood' - which, by the way, are both REAL titles of movies. No joke. Someone was higher than a kite when they wrote that... Although, I must admit, they certainly draw you in.

Okay, let's cut the formal (Troy McClure) bullsh!t. I'm posting this basically cause I'm hella bored and everyone seems to have forgotten this book. No ones uploaded in forever so I was like, 'I VOLUTEER, I VOLUTEER TO UPDATE!' So, I wanna talk to you about the reasons why my brain is one son-of-a-b!t©h.

Firstly, it refuses to listen to its own advice. I'm all like 'You gotta study blah blah blah bad grades blah' and it's like 'f@©k that, imma learn how to salsa on YouTube'. So, many salsa tutorials later, I find myself in a state of panic. 'At least I can salsa,' my brain thinks. 'Yeah, STFU!' me says.

Secondly, my brain refuses to co-operate in many situations of co-ordination (LOL WUT?). So here I am, walking along, possibly whistling, most likely humming salsa tunes from pulling an all-nighter on YouTube.  

le me walking 

le wild crush appears  

'Hello Tess'  

TROLL BRAIN ACTIVATED  

'Hi' 

'Where are you walking to?' 

TROLL BRAIN GO! 

'Just the dildo shop' 

'WHAAAAA?' 

'Ha, ha. I meant the art rooms...' 

TROLL BRAIN GO! 

le wild crack appears 

I trip 

Crush walks away 

Me: BRAIN YOU F@©KING RETARD!

My brain refuses to work in mostly all situations of pressure.  

Public Speaking: let's make her shake so much it looks like there's an earthquake beneath her.  

Important Interview: let's make her stuff up her words so she has to repeat herself a million times.  

Billy-Carting down a hill: let's misjudge a turn and make her lean too far so she rolls off, and loses half her skin.

THESE ARE ALL TRUE STORIES!

By far, my brain is most bastard in tests. Here, let's have a run through, shall we? 

Phase One: Gets the test, realises it's not all multiple chose. 'WE'RE ALL F@©KED!' 

Phase Two: Sing the Nyan Cat song repeatedly.  

Phase Three: recite lines of dialogue from Nemo.  

Phase Four: Sing a song that you only know one line to. Sing the one line repeatedly.  

Phase Five: Wonder what 'Attack of the Puppet People' is like. Create a sit-com spinoff of the movie.  

Phase Six: Start imagining things outside the window. Spiderman swings off lamp post and lands on superman's back. Superman flies them to the evil lair in which Spiderman has teamed up with Batman, Superman, basically all of D.C. Comics to take down Marvel because Spiderman wasn't part of the avengers.  

Phase Seven: 'Spider Pig, Spider Pig, does whatever a spider pig does.' 

Phase Eight: nananananannanananannananana 

BATMAAAAAAAAAAN! 

Phase Nine: look at the clock. Five minutes to go. 'Motherf@©king brainnnnm!' 

Phase Ten: Write shit down, go go go!

So, in the end, my paper looks like this:

1. Which is the northernmost of these four cities? 

a. Paris 

b. Prague 

c. Quebec 

d. Seoul

C, always go C. I learnt that in Science so it MUST be true.

2. Which is the southernmost of these four cities? 

a. Cape Town 

b. Brisbane 

c. Santiago 

d. Montevideo

CAPE TOWN! Why? coz it sounds fucking awesome.

3. The Caspian, Aral and Black seas: list them from west to east (left to right) on a map.

Capslock Sea, Anal Sea and Black Sea - wait! That's racist!

4. Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan is now in the news. Match these three other central Asian capitals to their -stans:

Tajikstan Ashgabat 

Turkmenistan Tashkent 

Uzbekistan Dushanbe

I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT I'M DOING!

5. Name the country on this list with which the Central African Republic does not share a border: Cameroon, Chad, Congo, Democratic Republic of Congo, Gabon, Sudan.

Banana! No county shares a border with that sonofabitch!

6. Name the outlier among these four cities and explain why: 

a. Washington DC 

b. Islamabad 

c. Ankara 

d. Canberrra

Canberra, coz no one likes f@©king Canberra.

7. Which is the longest river in North America: the Mississippi, the Missouri, or the St. Lawrence?

That just reminded me of a really bad pickup line.

8. Which Saudi Arabian city is coastal - Mecca or Jeddah?

Jamaica.

9. Which city is farther from Manila - Karachi or Auckland?

I thought Karachi was a dance?

10. Which country, bordering 14 others, has the longest land borders in the world with other nations?

Fucking Madagascar.

A+ mothaf@©ka!

Some other random shit my brain does: 

- Starts thinking in Italian. I have no idea why! 

- When I get a chain text, my brain goes all paranoid and ends up using all my credit on forwarding it to 'Ten Friends in 24 Hours' for fear I'll have bad luck for nine months.  

- My brain neglects to think about stuff during the day and then when I wanna go to sleep, it all flows out like diarrhea.  

- My brain decides not to write the homework down, thinking it'll remember it. Bad choice, motherf@©ker.  

- It doesn't check texts before sending, not realising autocorrect has made my sentence really dirty until its too late.  

- Let's stay up late writing a chapter to one of my stories! Loses motivation halfway through.

And that's all the shit I can think of. Seriously, my brain is a BAMF when it comes to important things!

I realise this isn't a normal 'Teens React' Chapter. We are not reacting to EVERYTHING, okay? GOSH! Why are so mean to us!? What did we ever do to you!

Quote O' Week: "All children, except one, grow up." ~Peter Pan

~Tess :)