Freak

Chapter Six

My past could easily be your future. What was that supposed to mean? That I would kill myself? I would never do that. I couldn’t kill myself; I had a job to do. I had to get perfect.

But Valerie did clear one thing up for me. I was a horrible person. I still am, probably. I just have nobody to interact with, and therefore, nobody to hurt.  Except for my parents…my parents. Have I been hurting my parents? The more I think about it, the more it becomes true. My parents just wanted me to be healthy and happy and normal, but I couldn’t be. The thing was, though…I couldn’t just stop being the way I am.  So it wasn’t my fault…was it?

“No, Alice…it’s not your fault,” a thin, sickly voice says from behind me. I turn around to see a girl I don’t know.  She looks like my old friends from wonderland, very thin, with prominent collarbones and cheekbones, except she’s dressed much more modestly, with baggy sweatpants and a loose t-shirt.  Her outfit lacks color, which matches her grayish hair and sunken eyes. She is about my height and looks weak, like she could barely support her own weight while standing.

“…who are you?” I ask.

“Doesn’t matter,” she says. “I lost my chance at life, at making myself matter.”

“How? Why?” 

“What does it look like?” she asked, laughing bitterly. “I was like you.  I thought I was fat, so I didn’t eat.  But you were lucky; you had friends and family that cared and tried to help before it got too bad.  I was in college.  Barely ever saw my parents.  The few friends I had were too busy to notice  my eight loss until it was too late.  So I literally starved myself to death. When my parents learned that I had an eating disorder and that they never even noticed, they felt horrible. But it wasn't their faults...it's wasn't my fault, though, either.”

“You…died from not eating?” I ask, astonished.

She nodded. “Is that what you want, Alice?”

Honestly, I was scared by what this girl was saying. Even though I was fat and worthless, I didn't really want to die any time soon.

“No…with me, it’s different.  When I get skinny enough, I’ll start eating again.  Little by little. Then I’ll become normal again.  I’ll be okay once I get skinny,” I say, content with my reasoning.

“Don’t you understand?” she asked, seeming a bit annoyed. “Perfect will always be ten pounds away.  Once you lose those last five pounds, you still won’t be good enough.  So you’ll lose another five pounds.  Then another.  But it’ll never be enough. You have to stop, Alice. Please.”

“I can’t,” I say, just as annoyed. “Do you see me? I’m disgusting. I’m ugly, fat, worthless. I want to be pretty. My friends from wonderland don’t want me because I’m so gross; neither does anyone from the real world. When I’m skinny, I’ll be okay.”

She takes my hands into her own.  Hers are cold and boney. “Alice, look at me.  Look at my hair.  Feel it.  See how thin it is? See how it’s grey, colorless? It used to be red. It used to be thick and wavy. Is that pretty to you, Alice? See those bags under my eyes? Is that perfect to you? Is that really what you want? Anorexia is a killer. Nothing else. It isn't a diet for pretty girls, it isn't something you do to fit into your bikini for a pool party. It's killing you. You're dying. It's a killer.” 

I don’t respond.

“Alice, honey, you’re so beautiful.  Don’t listen to those demons inside your head telling you otherwise.  Please believe me.” She looks like she’s about to cry.

“Thank you…” I whisper. But should I really believe her?

No, says a voice inside my head. She’s a liar. Don’t kid yourself. Have you looked in the mirror lately? You’re disgusting.

Tears begin to stream down my face.

“Listen to me,” she says urgently. “Think of your parents. What will happen to them once you’re nothing but skin and bones in a coffin? They’ll think it was their fault. Is that what you want? And there are still kids in your school who think about you and wonder how you’re doing.  There are kids who want you to come back.  Not your old friends, but they were horrible anyway.  You can get better, go back to school, and meet new people.  And think of how proud Jennifer will be. Jennifer really loves you.  She wants you to get better, too.  Think of how great your life will be.  You don’t need to be skinny. You’re beautiful.  You’re perfect.  You’re lovely.  Just remember that.”

Lies, lies, lies, the voice inside my head screams.

“You need to try your best to get out of wonderland,” the girl says. “You need to wake up.  You always need to remember that you’re beautiful.  Please.  Do it for all the people that love you, and most of all, do it for yourself.”

No. Stay in wonderland.  At least when you’re in wonderland you can’t eat, pig.

“Stop it!” I scream as sobs rack my body.  I don’t know who to believe. I want to believe what this girl is telling me. I want to believe that I'm beautiful and that I'm good enough.  But there's also a part of me that's telling me she's a liar, that I'm ugly and she's just ruining my chances to be perfect.

The girl takes me in her arms and gently shushes me.  “Alice, it’s gonna be okay…you’re gonna wake up and get better…it’s okay, baby girl…”

I realize that her voice is my mother’s.  The soothing words continue.

“You’re so, so beautiful, you know that? I love you so much. I can’t wait ‘til you wake up.  We’ll do whatever you want to do.  Just come back to me Alice…”

My heart aches with longing. I want to go home to my parents. I miss them. 

Mommy, I think. Mommy, save me.  Take me away from this place.

But the voice in my head replies, You’re not going anywhere, sweetheart.