Devoid

LAST NIGHT

(JENNIE's POV)

So she asked me if I've already moved on from her. I told her that yes, I did... I have to. And I saw how anguish flickered from her eyes followed by uninterrupted tears which I eventually wiped before I could explain the things about her that I have to let go.

I told her that I've moved on from her side which has caused me pain. I've moved on from her side which has neglected me. I've moved on from her side which made me question my self-worth... of why it's just so easy for her to dismiss me despite the love and effort I've tried so hard to make her see and feel.

She asked me again if what happened to the other sides that I chose not to unleash. I told her that I've kept them in my memory... mostly the important ones. Like the way she would do everything to catch my attention when she was still a little kid, the first time she kissed me, her efforts, her persistence, her laughter, her adventurous side, her randomness, her ideas, her imperfection, her love.

She asked me again if I love her still. I repeated the response that I gave a while ago... that I never stopped loving her. It might have changed at a certain level compared to the intensity of the past but I still love her and I will continue loving her.

She told me that she hasn't stopped loving me either. In fact, she said, her love for me now is way stronger than before.

She asked me again if there's a chance for us to rekindle the old flame. So I answered her with a question... if she sees hope in us despite the distance that would soon separate our paths. She instead shared tales of people she knew who did not make it through the million miles gap as a response. So I asked her about the point of telling me those stories. She told me that there's a little chance that we could make it now. My chest suddenly became heavy; I felt a lump in my throat. She held my hand and told me how much she wanted for us to be together. But she realized that it's hard to make a system work if one or every part is barely functioning.

She asked me how much I wanted to pursue my dream. I told her, in all honesty, that it is one of the things that would complete my being once completely done. She dropped another question and asked if what are the other things that could complete me. So I directly told her that it is her... she will always be among the people who could complete me. I have traveled so many places, met different people, and even tried to disregard of her significance in my life. But the more I tried to shove her away, the more good memories of her have remained that I managed to release the ones that have inflicted pain on me. And while doing so, I have also recognized my lapses in our relationship and to myself as well. I may have become too patient, too generous, too forgiving, and too blind that I made her rely on me too much that she lost her balance and I lost my identity in the end. But all of those don't matter anymore because I have already forgiven our mistakes in the past.

She asked me about my plan for us while we are apart. I told her that we need no plan. We only need to concentrate on fulfilling our own aspirations. I once again asked her of her plans for herself while we are apart. She told me that she will do things that will make her happy before other people. She will seek the right treatment to get rid of her dependence on illegal medication which briefly takes her to a different dimension. She will fix her life... she will live her life.

In return, she asked me of my plans for myself. So I told her that I want to turn my ideas into motion. I want to see how far my ideas could go. I want to show the things different kinds of audiences wanted to see. I want to arouse people's emotions and ideas. I want to present an unfiltered piece of reality, not a faint one. I want to make the dreams of other people come to life. But most of all, I want to show people the side of me that I refused to show in the past.

She gave me a genuine smile, something she failed to express for so long, and told me that she is proud of me for being brave this time. I told her that I am proud of her for trying to figure out what she really wants this time.

I asked her about the things that she wanted us to do before we depart from each other. She told me that she wanted to feel me... from the tips of my fingers, the thin sheet of my skin, the wild beating of my heart, the rhythmic sound of my pulse, the profound emotions in my eyes, the burning passion of my kisses, to the dark sides of my soul. She wanted to love me without feeling the pain even for just a while. She wanted to make love to me without getting naked.

So I told her that I wanted to brush my fingertips to every inch of her skin. I wanted her to hear how my heart screams her name. I wanted her to know that she is one of the reasons why I still live. I wanted her to know that my eyes will always adore her. I wanted to feel her lips against mine. I wanted to explore her dark abyss even for just a brief time. I wanted her to understand that love comes with suffering and those who have endured it will make it through the end.

So we made love without getting naked. We made love with clothes on. We made love by just being next to each other.

As our time together comes to an end... as I'm about to bid farewell... she slipped her fingers into mine to make our hands intertwine. She held them tight and looked straight to my eyes. We smiled at each other as tears fall down.

This is the closure that we needed...for now.