Devoid

I'LL BE GONE FOR A WHILE

I woke up early this morning to buy breakfast for Lisa and I. Tinatamad kasi akong magluto at gusto ko rin siyang bilihan ng paborito niyang tapsilog mula sa paborito naming kaininan noon na "Papi Tapsi". Alam kong miss na niya iyon at isa pa, mahigit limang araw rin siyang nawala dahil sa mga gigs niya sa Cebu, Iloilo, Davao at Bacolod. Baka dahil sa tapsilog ay makakapag-usap na kami ng maayos. Mula noong huling away kasi namin na ang pinagmulan ay ang bago niyang music mix ay hindi na kami nagkapag-usap ulit dahil yun nga, may out of towns siya.

"Hi! Gising ka na pala. I bought tapsilog from 'Papi Tapsi'," masigla kong bati habang nilalapag ang mga dala ko sa counter.

Damn, I can't help but admire her morning get-up. She looks so magnificent in her black Bob Marley tshirt and black shorts.

"Thanks... Uhm, J-Jen... we need to talk," she replied without any emotions in her voice.

"Sure. Wait lang ihahanda ko lang to, okay?"

"N-no. I mean, mamaya na iyan. I-we just need to talk right now."

Hinayaan ko na muna ang mga dala kong pagkain at dumiretso sa dining table para umupo sa tabi niya.

"So, what do you want to talk about?"

Nakayuko lang siya habang nagsasalita ako. She also seemed uneasy that it's making me nervous and uncomfortable at the same time.

"I-I can't do this anymore."

Kahit sobrang hina ng boses niya, pakiramdam ko ay nabingi ako sa mga sinabi niya. At kahit alam ko na ang kasunod nun ay nagmaang-maangan parin ako sa ibig niyang sabihin.

"What do you mean?"

"Let's break up," she said straight to the point.

Katahimikan ang namayani sa paligid. Tila hindi ko naintindihan ang tatlong salita na kanyang sinambit kahit na ang tagal ko na rin na hinihintay iyon.

Alam kong kapalit ng tatlong salitang iyon ay kalayaan ko para tuparin ko ilan sa mga pangarap ko sa sarili ko na pansamantala kong tinabi para sa kanya. Ang mga iyon ay nangangahulugan rin ng hindi na namin pagkikita araw-araw, pagtulog ng magkatabi, paghalik at pagyakap sa isa't isa at pagpunta sa iba't ibang lugar ng magkasama. Hindi ko na rin siya maaring mahalin ng malaya at maaaring magbago na rin ang lebel ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya sa huli... hindi na katulad noon, hindi na katulad ngayon.

Hindi muna ako sumagot. Sa halip, tiningnan ko siya sa mata na tila humihingi ng kasagutan kung bakit kailangan namin humantong sa ganito.

"No, walang iba... It's just that, I fell out of love, my priorities changed, and I don't want to continue being unfair to you, seeing you wait for nothing. I also don't want you to see yourself as one of the many options in my world where a lot is going on... Falling out of love does not mean that I don't love you anymore. I have learned to love you the moment I first saw you when you moved in next to our house. You have always caught my attention growing up. I fell in love with you two years ago as I pursue you everyday. I still love you today... just in a different level. I love you in a sense that I have to let you go because I want to preserve in my heart and mind as someone who is so beautiful, loving, kind, intelligent, special... I don't want your image on me to be stained by hatred, arguments, and pride just because we failed saving something that is already dysfunctional..."

I just listen to her explanations as I let heavy tears fall from my eyes. But I was not the only person crying in this room because Lalisa also started wiping tears from her eyes before she could even proceed to her next statement.

So this is what break-up feels like, eh?

"... In our last argument days ago, I accused you for being selfish... You are not. And I'm sorry for saying all those things to you. It was just probably me, being defensive of my shortcomings as your partner. I feel like an asshole for not seeing your efforts just to make us work... I will always be grateful to you for allowing me to be part of your life. I know I told you that I will try my best to make us work but here I am, I was the one who is letting go. But at least, we still made it somehow... not just longer than expected..."

All the words she said was enough for me to accept that indeed, we need to set ourselves free. So I gave her a tight hug and buried my face on her neck for a while. Then I held her cheeks and looked at her with full sincerity.

"Thank you for being honest. Thank you for deciding to let me go before we could reach the stage where all that we have in our hearts are hatred for each other. Thank you for preserving the love... This separation will hurt for a while but I know we can get this through. The times we had, good or bad, I will not consider them as wasted moments. I will consider them as part of my journey in finding my true identity, my true passion. You know, I've always thought that your heart is my home. But then, I realize that home is the real me. And I'm on my way there."

I kissed her right cheek then the other side right after. It would be awkward already if I would kiss her on the lips right?

"I'll be gone for a while... I'm going to miss you, L."