Half a Heart | Niam Horayne |

| Chapter Nine |

| Special dedication to kadiebmore for her sweet comments and loving support. I love her. |

Monday came around sooner than I anticipated. My hair is cut with my fringe to the side just above my eyes, so I’m still able to put it in to a quiff. It was a light blonde and I have dark hair on the side of my head and the sides where I have the darker hair color are shorter than the blonde hair. I’m currently wearing a dark grey sweater with black and maroon stripes, black skinny jeans and a pair maroon converse. I haven’t cut since I last saw Liam, too many things on my mind, but I did accidentally scratch the wounds open a few times from my anxious and depressive thoughts clouding my mind.

“Niall, hun, it’s time to go to school!” My mum exclaimed and I sighed. “Do I have to walk today?” I asked feeling tired; I’m not really in the walking mood. “No, baby, I’m driving you,” She called out sweetly. That’s a relief, I think as I quickly brush my teeth and head down stairs. “Let’s go,” She said opening the front door, I nodded; thanking her, and exiting the house.

The journey to school wasn’t exciting, but then again, school isn’t exciting either. All my mother and I did was make small talk and then soon we reached my destination, I said I love you and goodbye and entered the building. I saw Harry but he was talking to Harry, aw.

Not so aw when you remember you can’t fanboy about it with him ‘cause he’s mad at you.

I miss him so much. We haven’t talked since the party and I should probably tell him what happened. I suppose I’m ready to tell him. I sighed and walked up to him, feeling bad that I was interrupting his and Louis’ conversation. “Uh, Harry? Could I speak to you for a moment, please?” I asked looking up at him with puppy eyes ( he can’t resist that ). “Sure Niall, I’ll talk to you later Lou,” He said smiling at Louis. “What did you want to talk about? OH! I like your hair cut,” Harry says and I accept the compliment but grow nervous, how will he react?

“Thank you, but that’s not what I want to talk about,.. T-This is important Harry, sort of serious as well, I need you to promise me two things before I tell you this, o-okay?” I ask timidly, scared to look in to his eyes. “Of course, Nialler,” He smiled and I let out a shaky breath, “Don’t tell ANYONE, and don’t freak out,” I say, pulling him towards a wall with me, a place that nobody was a round.  “What is it? I promise I won’t tell or freak,..” He promised with a concerned look in his eye. “WellJoshsortofbulliesandhitsmeandtriedtorapemeandstuff,” I said way too quickly. “Uh, come again?” Harry asked confused.

I took a deep breath.

“J-Josh, he sort of; well, he bullies me,.. It’s not just that, he hits me a lot and calls me n-names, I,” I looked up at Harry as I felt tears build up in my eyes, this is so hard to tell him. What if he hates me? “I,.. I just, at the party y-you know? When I didn’t want to t-tell you why I was crying,.. It’s b-because I didn’t want to tell you that,.. That,… Josh tried to rape me,” I said looking up to him, his lip parted and he had tears streaming down his cheeks, “Niall, I-I feel like a terrible friend! I always saw the bruises, and you always said it was nothing,.. I should’ve know something was wrong! At the party I left you because you said it was nothing, and that you didn’t want to talk about it,.. Niall! I’m so sorry, you don’t deserve this! You need to tell someone, you’ll get hurt!” Harry exclaimed, worried for me.

“Harry, I’m not telling anyone, I can’t. It doesn’t matter, I’m already hurt. Can’t you see?” I asked, “Don’t you see how depressed I’ve become? The bags underneath my eyes because I can’t sleep because the only thoughts that come to mind are the ones of self hate and how the rest of the world seems to hate me? I’m nothing. Just a worthless wreck. My emotions are all clouded up, feelings of sadness and numbness rising and dropping all of the time. What makes it worse is when someone tries to give me love or happiness, I push them away. I know they’ll hurt me,.. They’ll never love me, how can someone do that when I can’t love myself?” I say, letting my emotions out. If anyone should know my thoughts, it’s him. “H-Have I hurt you?” He asks, looking hurt and sad. “No, Harry. You could never hurt me, you’re like my brother,” I say with a small smile. He opens his arms and envelops me in to a hug. “I love you so much Niall, don’t you ever forget that,” He says, tears in his eyes. I lean in to his touch.

I close my eyes and huff out a sigh, few tears leaving my eyes and he rubs my back. This physical activity is completely brotherly, nothing more, nothing less. “You don’t hurt yourself, right?” He whispers in to my ear. I feel my breath hitch and he grabs my shoulders and looks me in the eyes. “Niall,..?” He asks, eyes widening. “H-Harry, please,” I beg, not wanting my best friend; my brother, to hate me. “Niall, please show me. Come to the bathroom, and show me, please,” He pleads and I bite my lip. “I’m not sure Harry, this is all too much, I’m not even sure how I told you all of that, I’m just so emotional right now,” I rant and he sighs. “Niall, please. I won’t judge you, I love you,” He says, truth and love coating his words and I nod hesitantly.

He won’t judge. He loves me. He’s my brother.

He drags me to the bathroom, fifteen minutes until class begins considering we both arrived early like always. He locked the stall door, “Take off your shirt,” He instructed and I just stood there, I’m so afraid… “Niall, please,” He begs and I sigh; shakily lifting my shirt and taking it off. I close my eyes, he’s going to see my wretched body, all of my ugliness and fat are going to fill his eyes and he’s going to hate me. “Niall, you’re so skinny,” He said, his voice cracking. “No I’m not,” I snapped, opening my eyes. “Don’t worry though, I eat sometimes, just not as much as I used to,” I shrugged. I felt him wrap a hand around mine and flipping it over so he could see the cuts that littered my wrist.

“Niall,.. The cuts, their all over your arms.. And your stomach, hell, they’re even on your shoulders,” He cried, tears streaming down his face. “Is there anywhere else?” He asked. “My thighs,” I answer, “But you don’t get to see those,” My hoarse voice said. I’ve been crying so much today, and it’s only been a twenty minutes in to the school day. “Niall, is this because of Josh hurting you? A-And almost raping you?” Harry asked curiously and worriedly. “Y-Yeah, I’ve been hurt so much though,.. It’s not just him, it’s people like Liam and others, b-but at least Liam is trying to m-make up for it,” I say, pulling the sweater over my body once my insecurities began to escalate.

“Please don’t tell anyone Harry, I love you,” I said opening the stall door, “Hurry, we’ll be late for class,” I say wiping my eyes. I wasn’t paying attention and bumped in to a muscly- yet warm- body. I mutter an apology and look up and out of all people it just had to be him.

It just had to be Liam.