How To Love (Editing)

Chapter 5

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Five words.

I simply cannot do this.

Just how do you keep a smile permanently etched on your face for so many hours? It's so tiring. I tried. I really, really did. When I saw Kathleen this morning, I cracked a small smile. She looked positively shocked.

Thing is, people are going to start thinking I've finally lost it because, let's face it, the Holley Allan they have known for the past two years never smiles. So why should I start doing it again?

I can't exactly tell them 'oh, I got the role of Belle in the school's musical and Penelope needs me to fall in love and my best friend suggested I start smiling every day like a lunatic for a start', can I?

Now I really am wondering how I ever managed to love Josh before. Maybe I've ran out of love hormones since then or something. Or maybe all my love cells died. Either way, it never used to be a problem, but now, I need them badly. Without them, I'm really going to disappoint Penelope and all my dreams are going to be crushed.

Okay, maybe not all. But half.

I can't love, but I'm going to force myself to love. Yesterday night, I even stayed up half the night just to make sure Adelaide's okay and sleeping peacefully. And I woke up extra early this morning to prepare her breakfast. That showed love, right?

Only I'm not sure.

I don't know.

And here's my brilliant (or not so brilliant) plan to fall in love. I'm going to ignore Josh (right. As if I haven't been ignoring him for the past two years already) and pretend he never existed in my life. I'm hoping that'll make my brain think that I've got no reason not to love (oh, but I still do) and so I can learn to love again.

Great. Now I'm talking to myself. And what I just told myself doesn't even make sense.

"I am a lunatic after all," I mutter darkly as I give the champagne glass I'm currently washing an extra hard scrub. Practices begins tomorrow so I came to the bar to work today. I even offered to work for three more hours tonight to make up for my absence tomorrow and on Wednesday. The manager wasn't pleased but she agreed anyways.

So here I am, working my butt off. I'm serving drinks with a wide smile on my face, trying to be more chatty, and trying not to look bored. But there's only so much I could do. After two years of perfecting my skills in making my face an emotionless mask, it's pretty hard to break the habit.

"You're talking to yourself? Really?" a familiar voice questions, amusement clearly laced in his words.

I look up to see Spencer, the guy I met a few nights ago. "It's you again."

"You make it sound like it's bad."

"What are you doing here again?"

"I came here just to stalk a girl." he confesses.

"I hope it's not me."

"Relax," he rolls his eyes. "I'm not going to stalk some girl who doesn't think I'm hot."

What a player. "Then go find her."

"I was going to, but then I heard you talking to yourself so I came over to make sure you're feeling alright."

"I'm fine." I snap, rinsing the glass and proceed to drying it.

"On a second thought, you can get me a coke first."

"Don't make it sound like I'm your maid." I get him one.

"Ah, but you're the worker," he winks and cracks open the can. "See you later."

"I hope not." I grumble.

"Heard that."

"Good."

"Heard that too!"

I groan.

After serving a total of 12 drinks (I counted), my face feels as though it's going to fall apart. Smiling should definitely be classfied as an exercise in the sports catalog. And it hasn't even been two hours. I still have another hour before my shift is over, then plus the three that I volunteered to do.

Why oh why did I volunteer?

Sighing, I wipe my counter for approximately the millionth time this evening. I would've done some sweeping if I weren't afraid of drunken guys touching me. So I got Selena, one of my co-workers, to do it for me. She happily complied because unlike me, she's perfectly fine with guys trying to feel her up. Yes, she's pretty much a slut. But underneath that, she's actually a really nice person.

"Tired?"

"You've returned. Hooray." I say sarcastically.

He puts his hand on his chest. "Ouch!" he cries dramatically.

"Go away and bang a girl instead."

"I want to bang you instead."

"In your dreams."

"You know, I still don't know you much." he changes the subject.

"There's nothing I want you to know about me."

He feigns sadness. "Am I that untrustworthy?"

I think for a moment. "Yeah."

"You're so blunt."

"It's my speciality."

"What else is your speciality then?"

"I'm not going to tell you."

"Why not?" he leans over the counter.

Gosh, he has gorgeous eyes. Light blue with a tinge of grey. I've never seen anything like it before.

Then I realize I'm staring at him like an idiot. I pull my gaze away. "Because."

"I'm known for being persistant."

"That much I know." I respond, rolling my eyes. "You just have to annoy the hell out of me first."

"That's because you're fascinating, you know."

"Thank you," I retort sardonically. "Go back to stalking your girl, player."

"I saw her making out with another guy, so no thanks."

I can't help but chuckle. "She's not falling for you. Smart girl."

He scowl. "Shut up."

I shake my head, still smiling. I pour myself a glass of water. Then it hit me.

A fabulous idea.

Why didn't I see it before? What was it Katie said again? Talk to guys, pick one, and fall in love?

I don't have to converse with guys at school anymore. The one sitting in front of me right now is perfect for the job. He even wants to get to know each other better too.

Everything about him fits in the rules to love. Now all I have to do is fall in love with him.

Question is, how?

I've really forgotten what it's like to be in love.