Eyes of the infected ✔ [COMPLETED]

Chapter eighteen

Sorry about the slow uploads but I'm in the middle of my A levels and I JUST took a sociology exam about half an hour ago. Three exams left so the second they're finished, I have the whole summer free. :']


Chapter eighteen

The morning arrived slowly and I didn’t know if I was grateful for that. My body was still in disarray, my emotions made no sense. Numb. That was still the only word I could find to describe my state, laying still, breathing, breathing. Keith shifted behind me and I wondered if he’d slept, if his steady breathing was supposed to lull me into a sense of security.
It did. He knew the right things to do. Even I didn’t know the right things to do anymore.
‘Morning’ he said groggily and I could hear the smile in his voice as his pulled me closer to him. I fought to stay detached but it didn’t work as I was surrounded by his arms, warm and inviting. I found myself turning to face him, forgetting the state of my face which would show the residue of a full night’s crying.

When I turned, a small smile played on his lips, eyes crinkled with happiness and a deep groove from his sleeve engraved into his cheek. That expression lasted for a second until it dropped, replaced with surprise, then shock, then confusion, then dawning realisation.
‘You just remembered?’ I asked quietly, not knowing if I was referring to Lucas, the army, the last couple of days or this whole nightmare. Maybe he expected to wake up in his room. I would have, had I slept.
‘Yeah’ he smiled again but it wasn’t the same, ‘I thought we were back in the shop’.
‘I remember’ I did remember and I flexed my fingers, not liking the empty feeling, wishing for fingers in between mine. Not just any fingers, though. I thought back in that shop that the worst thing in the world had already happened. Now I only wanted to go back to then and realise that I still had so much.
‘Did you sleep much?’ he asked, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. I briefly wondered about lying but I didn’t see the point, he’d find out anyway.
‘Not at all. You did?’
‘Yeah, I feel bad though, you should have woken me’.
‘I was alright, needed the thinking time’ I lied. I didn’t. I didn’t want it.
‘How do you feel?’
‘Weird’ now I was being honest, ‘You?’

He frowned and it didn’t make him look any less beautiful. His hair was messy, lines all over his face and bags under his eyes but it didn’t blemish him at all.
‘Yeah, weird just about covers it’ he sighed and lifted himself with an arm, ‘Im gonna go down and see if I can scrounge us some breakfast, you wanna come?’
‘I’ll be okay’.
I saw the worry in his eyes but he composed himself, letting out a small laugh.
‘I’m still scared to let you out of my sight’ he admitted, looking embarrassed, ‘That’s ridiculous, isn’t it?’
‘No’ I smiled at his expression, wanting to be captured up in his arms again, ‘No, it’s not stupid. I’ll be okay though. Go, I’m hungry’.
‘Yes ma’am’ he winked and left quickly, leaving me sat on the bed, hot and sweating.

I went through the motions; changed clothes, ran a hand through my hair to straighten it out and washed my face. I didn’t think. Put some shoes on, paced, looked out the window and didn’t think. Gingerly touched my leg, noticed it felt okay, didn't think. Picked up one of the bags, rifled through it, noticed Lucas had left a box with my name on it and tried not to cry at his handwriting.
Opened it.
Tubes of mascara, eyeliner, a little silver necklace and bracelet. Xbox games, a couple of t-shirts. The lemonade, sticky notes and pencils.
He picked them all up for me across this journey.
I cried some more, fell to the floor and screamed my lungs out into a pillow. Composed myself, made a decision.
I was fine. I was fine.
Cold.

So I did what a fine person would do. I walked into the bathroom and stared down my pale reflection, purple bags under eyes and a worn expression to match. I pulled out the stick of eyeliner and applied it to my top and bottom lids, adding on the mascara as an afterthought. I gave my face a proper wash with the oils which were left out and rifled through the bags and found a pair of black skinny jeans and a nice, slim fitting white top. When I returned to the mirror, I almost marvelled at how much like me I looked. I thought it would make me feel better but it was a struggle not to cry again and as I walked into the main room holding back tears, I jumped at the sight of keith coming in and he stopped dead at the sight of me.
‘Wow’ he muttered, not taking his eyes off of me. I waited for him to say something else, unsure if a stick of make up could warrant that reaction.
‘You look gorgeous’ he said, taking a step closer to me, ‘But you don’t need that make-up’.
‘Oh’.
‘No, I mean it looks great. You look great. You just don’t need to do yourself up. You look best when you wake up, messy hair n’ all that’ he sent me a smile which was almost shy, pulling a strand of hair out from my brushed locks and letting it fall over my face.

I let myself think.
Those were words every girl wanted to hear. A rush of something powered through my system and I actually felt myself tear up. It could have been the fact someone cared about me this much in a place where we were doomed or maybe it was the fact I cared about this boy and I was paralysed with fear about losing him.
Or maybe, just maybe, his words made me feel a little bit of happiness I was guilt ridden to feel.
It wasn’t a crime. Maybe I was allowed to smile again for just a second, maybe even right now. My grief was overwhelming but so was this feeling about the boy in front of me.
He understood in a way nobody else in the world ever would. Percy would have a vague idea; he would be the closest yet he wouldn’t even touch it. The funny thing was, whatever I had with Keith was based on misery, infection and death.
Yet somehow, it felt so exhilarating, so incredible, so able to fix my rapidly breaking soul.
Overwhelming.

Ten minutes ago I had been hopelessly screaming into a pillow. Now Keith was here and so much of that lost hope had resided. There was a belief again, the feeling that I wasn’t alone, the feeling that I could feel possibly feel even a little good again. Of course I knew that the feeling wouldn’t be permanent, my brain was just doing a very good job of blocking out the idea of a future without the people I loved. Right in this second, I was living in the present. I had to. It would keep me alive, it would keep Keith and I alive. This whole thing had been based on living each day as it came. Yesterday had been the worst day of my life. Today my Lucas would be proud of me.

‘You’ I mumbled, letting the tears fall. They weren’t foreign, I didn’t fear crying anymore. I laughed out loud at Keith’s panicked face as he obviously wondered what he’d said wrong.
‘I didn’t mean you don’t look good, you ju-‘
‘Shut up’ I said quietly and it silenced him instantly and I fleetingly wondered what to do. I let instinct set it, followed my heart. It was broken and torn and more than confused but right now, I was sure of one thing and one thing only.
I kissed him for the first time, closing the space between us till he couldn’t wonder what my motives were anymore. My heart stopped when he didn’t react but soon raced again when he let out a soft groan and tugged me into him, responding just as fiercely as I was, tight arms and fast beating hearts, heat and passion.
‘No’ he said breathlessly as he pushed me away from him, sending my heart spiralling to my feet as I stood rejected.
‘What is it?’ I asked meekly, realising I wasn’t ready to be alone.
‘You…’ he was still breathless, as was I, ‘You just lost your brother Harley, I’m not gonna take advantage of that, I c-‘
‘You aren’t’ I told him in a firm voice and  I knew that as soon as I said it that it was the truth.
‘Do you ever let me finish my bloody sentences?’ he asked in a frustrated voice, bringing a hand up to drag through his hair.
‘What did you say?’
‘I said, do you ever let me finish my bloody sente-‘

I cut him off with another firm kiss, pressing myself into him as hard as I could, winding my arms around his neck with such need and desperation that I wondered if I’d crumble if he refused me.
He didn’t.
He held me even tighter and I knew I’d never felt a need quite like this, quite like him. My own crack cocaine, I wanted every bit of him, I needed it. Minutes passed as we stayed like this, losing all the more breath every second our lips were locked. I don’t know when it happened but my knees eventually buckled and I found myself falling backwards onto a soft material, covers surrounding me. Keith landed right on top of me and a crooked smile appeared on his face as he looked right at me.
‘Well that was rude’ he whispered, voice cracking as he tried to catch his breath.
‘What was?’ my voice was equally strained, my body was on fire. So was his, I could feel it.
‘You really do never let me finish my sentences, do you Sunshine?’
I laughed freely, held on as tight to Keith as was physically possible. I still hurt so much but it was masked with whatever this emotion was. I’d never felt anything like it before.
‘No’ I mumbled, wondering when he’d touch me again. My free hand wound round his neck and his moved to my waist, tracing circles, driving me crazy. I’d never done this before and in a moment of rashness, I asked if he had.
‘Never like this’ he breathed out of rhythm, ‘never like this’.

He did it; held onto my face and repeated this whole thing again. It was soft, tender like he wanted to savour it, kisses which melted me from the inside out. I forgot everything, drank in the moment, the moments. I barely registered when his hands moved roung to my back and as my own hands found my way under his shirt, gripping onto this firm body, tracing the scar I’d been so curious about. This seemed to stir something in him because our movements were suddenly frantic and I didn’t have the willpower to hold out, I kissed him with everything I had, dragging my hands through his hair and forgetting to breathe as I did. He did the same, pulling me in, pressing himself down onto me and letting me roll over till I was on top, I had the control. I knew what I wanted.
I knew.
His hand continued to move t the hem of my bra when he suddenly stopped, letting out a heavy sigh, trying to regain his breath. The unwelcome stop triggered my breathing again as I looked into his eyes curiously.
‘You don’t…’ He tried to catch his breath, ‘You don’t know how much I want this’ he looked at me sincerely, lifting me off of his body slowly with another deep breath.
‘Then what’s wrong?’ I asked as I sat up, looking at him sat next to me, dishevelled and sweating. His eyes were filled with lust and something else I couldn’t pinpoint. I liked it.
‘It’s not right. I mean, it’s right’ he spoke unsteadily, looking as though he still wasn’t quite in control of his breathing, ‘But I can’t take advantage of you like this’.
‘I already said you’re n-‘
‘I know, I’m not taking advantage. Not on purpose anyway. You’re vulnerable, sunshine, you need someone and that happens to be me’.
‘It’s not like that’ I sighed, wishing he would believe me.
‘I know. You don’t realise it yet but I don’t ever want you to regret this and you will. You need some time to think about what you want’.

I want you I thought but I knew he was right, just not the way he thought he was. He thought I was still unsure about what I felt but I knew. He was right, I didn’t want this to be tainted with my misery, I didn’t want him to think he was a shoulder to cry on, that I’d sleep with him to erase the pain. Maybe it would do exactly that but that wasn’t why I wanted it. He meant so much to me. So fucking much.
‘I never wanted this to forget’ I told him, shifting a little closer.
‘I know. Well, I hoped so’ he said with the tiniest smile, grasping my hand in his.
‘You hoped?’ I’d heard him saying all those things in that shop, I’d felt the passion in those kisses and this electricity he had but it still felt crazy to think maybe he felt all these jumble of things I felt. That maybe there was something good in this. We hadn’t acknowledged it, maybe in the real world we’d have been a couple. In the real world, we wouldn’t steal kisses, unsure about what they meant. We wouldn’t fight side by side every day,  becoming closer with every inch of pain. We wouldn’t both avoid the subject of the future, I wouldn’t spend each night in his arms, enthralled and distraught. It wouldn’t feel the same. It wouldn’t be anywhere near as strong.
‘Really’ he murmered, using his hand to trace the crumpled bed sheets, ‘I know I shouldn’t even be talking about this but I’ve been so distracted. Sometimes I think I’m being an absolute asshole then other times you kiss me like this and I feel like we might have a hope in hell surviving this together’.
‘You’ve never been an asshole’ I frowned, only really listening to the part where he said we’d survive this together.
‘Every time I wanted you, wanted to kiss you, wanted to get you alone to talk to you – I felt like an idiot. We’re running for our lives and here I am, chasing this beautiful girl who I’m sure thinks I’m some kind of pansy-‘
‘With those arms?’ I asked, raising an eyebrow, ‘I bet you raised hell in Sainsburys’.

He laughed loudly, showing me his teeth which seemed to be flawless.
I took a deep breath, ‘I never got to answer you up on that roof’ I said, praying he’d remember. When his eyebrows shot up, I knew he did.
‘Well?’ he asked almost inaudibly, awaiting my response. I paused for a moment, looking for the right way to sum up exactly how to phrase this.
‘I feel it. You asked if I feel it, and I feel it. Like it’s the first and last time I’ll feel anything’. I wasn't usually so eloquent or brave but then, things had changed now. I had changed; it was a feeling within myself which was difficult to ignore.
He smiled so purely and moved both of his hands to my face, eyes full, warm.
‘You wanna know what your brother said to me?’ he asked, making my shoulders go rigid. A cold sweat shot over my body and a knot tightened in my stomach but I knew I was more ready now than I ever would be, even if I'd never be ready again.
‘Yes’.
‘He told me’ Keith started, bringing his face closer to mine, ‘to love you in the way I’m trying not to. He told me you needed me. And he told me I needed you. He told me to love you’.
I was silenced, awed at this conversation which had passed between the two boys. The repressed image of us all sat on the concrete appeared in my mind and I teared up again, trying so hard not to let sadness wash over me. I was scared for the question I was about to ask, terrified in fact. Right now, he had every inch of me.
‘And what did you say?’ I croaked.
‘I told him the truth – he has nothing to worry about’.

******

Julia Sawyer

We heard the helicopters from our haven (otherwise known as the roof) and each leapt from our spots waving and screaming frantically. It occurred to none of us that the screaming would make us parched for later and that we would wear ourselves out but after four hours out in the cold, pushing against each other for heat, it didn’t matter.
‘Help us, god damn you!’ Wilson yelled in his ridiculously deep voice, shaking his fist towards the whirring object. I screamed right along with him and the others beside me, willing the retreating object to turn around. The noise would attract every infected in the area so we had to leave otherwise this vehicle had just signed our death warrants.
In other words, the bastard had to stop.

I couldn’t get Diane out of my head; I wanted to believe my sister had survived but it was impossible. She didn’t live too far from one of my houses yet we never saw each other. I had been an idiot, I wished we’d spent more time together. If Diane was gone, that meant her children were dead too. That in itself was beyond tragic, it’d been so long since I’d seen them that all I could remember was the innocence in Harley’s eyes, the fun in Lucas’. Joel just looked as though he was barely ready to see the world yet.
I hoped his parents covered his eyes.

The helicopter landed on the roof but I didn’t feel relief. Even as we floated over Scotland and Wales where I knew all the survivors would be getting saved, I didn’t feel relief. I prayed for someone I knew to be okay but I knew better than that.
I just stared down at the carnage beneath me, wondering if tumbling to my death was the better way to go after all.