The Diary That Was Long Overdue

September 17th 2012

Cassidy and I have become friends again. We agreed not to judge each other on our coping skills, under one condition we don't talk about them with each other. Easy enough right? We talked about school and helped each other with assignments and that was about it at first. Although we were both dying to be at a deeper level of friendship again. We wanted someone who understood our pain, and for us that meant each other. It wasn't long before our heart to hearts were back in full action. We had the best talks, we'd take turns. I went first I told her about everything that had happened in the past year, just spilled my guts out to her as fast as I could so the tears didn't catch up. She listened, but she didn't say anything just nodded her head in understanding. Which for me was enough. Then it was her turn, and she told me all about her father and his lies and how he winded back in prison again over drugs. How hed be doing a lond sentance this time. Told me all about her first heart break as well, this guy named Conner he lived far away but she loved him with all she had. He on the other hand was a sleaze bag marine looking for some sexy talk, he was married to another woman. She told me all about her step father. How he belittled and manipulated her mother Melanie, and how he screamed at Cassidy. It was obvious this guy had some serious issues and needed to leave, but love is blinding and Melanie kept holding on for dear life. After all they were married. Cassidy and I agreed we would never get married. Our plan for life was much simpler. We had never seen a healthy relationship or marriage, we didn't need all that hurt and heart ache. We'd have fun while we were young. Our ultimate plan was to be successful women though. We had dreams, and big ones. First thing on our list go to a college thats out of Kokomo. We decided we were going to leave our problems behind us. She wanted to be a registered nurse or a doctor. I had no idea what I wanted to be yet, I knew I wanted to do something with Psychology though. It interested me to find out why we do the things we do. After college and getting our first jobs, we wanted a big ole house. Again though we did not want a husband, under any circumstance. We wanted big houses to fill with animals and our adopted children. We often joked since our plans are so similar that if we could we'd just marry each other, and raise our children together. After our heart to hearts we finally broke in sobs, and we just cried and cried until there were no tears left to be cried. We didn't have to say anything to comfort each other we just understood it. We knew we needed to break, and that we could break in front of each other. That meant everything to us, after all whats the saying? "Misery loves company". I loved having Cassidy back. I was afraid though, remember how I told you Id be seeking out pills to lose weight? I have finally got the hook up, and Ive bought around 5 pills so far. I only spent $3 a piece which is cheap for street pills especially this high of a dose. I had gotten 70 mg vyvannse capsule pills. The guy who sold them to me doesn't want to take them anyways, and hes a friend of mine. He isn't all the way right in his head, and kids at school make fun of him. I stick up for him, since no one else will. I always love the underdog. Since I am one, but I am one no one really wants to mess with. Ive got fighting cred. I haven't taken any so far. I'm afraid too, what If I turn into an addict. Ive researched that addiction can be genetically passed down, and Dustin is an addict. Not only that but Cassidy isn't stupid, she would know I was messed up on something. Thats something you pick up as a kid when you were raised with addicts you can tell when someone is on drugs a mile away, no matter how good they are at hiding it. We have a special knowing. I didn't want to lose her again, but I did want to get rid of this weight. Ill try it at home first, and see how I seem and feel. So that way I can practice hiding it from Cassidy. I made a promise to myself, If I feel myself slipping away from me Ill stop. I won't become my fathers. After all how hard can it be to just quit? I think they just choose it. We shall see.