The Diary That Was Long Overdue

July 22 2012

  Well remember that guy I mentioned? He is absolutely amazing. I know its soon, but I think I may be in love for the first time. Being with him it just sets me free. I don't have to think about everything that has happened to me, quite honestly I don't have to think at all. It's just easy with him. We have long talks about writing and life what our future may hold. My dad always warned me to stay away from older boys, he knew that the oppurtunity would come because I don't look or act my age. He said older boys only want one thing, and thats in your pants. Then they will leave you, and you will feel used and unwamted. You deserve more than that always remember your worth. It wasn't like that with David at all. Sure we have had sex, but he hasn't left and it is so much more than that. Most of the time we hole up in his room, we watch old cheesy films, smoke the herb, cuddle and we just talk. He is my safe haven. I haven't told him about the stuff that has happened, or my age for that matter yet. I just want to enjoy this, enjoy feeling normal for once. I am curious to how old he thinks I am though, when he asks I won't lie. I hope its not the end for us when he finds out.
    I think its kinda weird though Dustin and I are both dating 19 year olds. Wouldn't that be a fun conversation to have? Not I'd rather not tell anyone. I know the consequences if we got caught, one Im sure Davids not aware of yet. Lately in therapy Bonnies been trying to help me with my self esteem. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I just bawl. I hate how I look. Short brunette curly unruly hair, a nose that is long and pointy, a chin that sticks out a little too far, and my weight its disgusting. I am currently 163 pounds standing at 5'1. I am short and disgustingly overweight. Bonnie told me that hair grows back, and that I can choose to do something about my weight by eating healthier and working out. I broke down to Mom about my weight and asked if we could eat healthier. Unfortunately she said she was too busy to make dinner, and too broke for just me to eat healthier. She did however want to help me to the best of her abilities. She heard about this new gym opening called Planet fitness, she got me the black card membership since I could bring a guest with me for free. I had to have an adult present to use the equipment. Aly loved running, she agreed to be my gym partner. Dustin would drop us off and pick us up. Weve only been a couple times, and I feel a little discouraged. I didn't realise how hard it is to work out when you are out of shape. I run out of breath easily, and the next day it feels as if though my muscles are ripping apart under my skin. It comes so easy to Aly, she told me not to worry Id get there. Shes been running for a few years now. I don't think she understands though how embarrasing it is to be the fat girl on the treadmill.
  I wish there was an easier way to lose weight. Then it occured to me there is, certain drugs make you lose weight. Theres this guy at my school (refuse to name names here) who sells his adhd pills. Vyvannse I believe they are called. They make you not want to eat, and give you a ton of energy. Where would I get the money though? Wait it will make me not want to eat that much, I could use part of the money mom gives me for food. I will continue to go to the gym so mom won't suspect anything , when I start losing weight but now I have a booster and I dont have to try as hard. I refuse to be this big anymore. I want to be the pretty barbie girl that everyone wants to be friends with, and all of the guys want. I want to be the it girl, no matter what I have to do. I get  my braces off in a year, my hair will grow. Ill buy some hairdye and a straightener. Ill have mom teach me how to wear makeup, and Ill be skinny. By Junior year of highschool I will be the it girl. Ill actually look for girly clothes at the thrift store too when its time for school shopping too. Sophmore year of highschool this catepillar will be in a cancoon so I can be a beautiful butterfly.