Bakkura

~Chapter 7: Manabe~

~Chapter 7: Manabe~

2009, My room. In my house.

I drew the curtains together, my hands pulling down the thick material as my arms grew heavy. Before the morning sun rose and let the light filter into my room, my sanctuary, I closed them. I didn't want to see the light anymore; darkness was my friend, like big arms to hold me up-right as I was about to fall. It was much better than people; who tried to 'talk things out'.

I didn't want to talk. I wanted to see Satsuki alive again.

But that was just an ignorant dream, wasn't it? Just like the dream of growing old as best friends, that we were indestructible and couldn't be beaten down by anything. They say it's a teen thing, but I think that everyone, in a way, no matter what age, think they're indestructible sometimes.

We just have to realize that nothing in this world is what it seems. Things that had once shone to me, seemed dull and boring. Sadness and grief seemed a much closer friend that anyone could ever be; even Satsuki. Good friends don't leave.

Sliding down the side of the wall, I collapsed onto the floor. I wrapped my arms around myself, listening to the screaming as 'You only live once' by Suicide Silence played from my iPod dock. It was loud, especially considering it was 4 in the morning.

I hadn't slept in days... The night was too comforting, and the day too haunting.

Shutting my eyes, I listened intently to the angry screaming. It was like me, and almost consoling. I slowly ran my hand across the soft carpet in front of my vision, my fingers testing the feelings. I was like a newly born child, discovering the world for the first time...

But I wasn't a baby, I was a 16 year old girl and I had been alive the whole time.

Tears stinging at my eyes, I wrapped into myself. It felt like no time at all had passed since my Father rushed into my room to tell me Satsuki had finally been found, after missing for almost a week. She was dead, decomposing in the clearing where we walked to and from school.

I was sick the entire time, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't go and find her. I didn't get better until they found her... At first, I was engulfed by disbelief and guilt. Then the 'What if's' begun to fill my mind:

What if I hadn't been sick, I could have walked with her home...

What if I had realised earlier that something hadn't been right?

No one knows how she died; only that she was murdered. They found no beating or shot wounds, no abnormalities in the blood, no drugs or alcohol... The only thing was that she had 'Bakkura' carved into her arm, with a strange symbol of wings sprouting from a cross on her forehead. They covered all the wounds in the funeral.

I flinched at the memory, realising that I had just been shaking and crying. Sniffling, I pulled myself up from the floor. There was a small patch were my tears had bled into the lush cream carpet. Wiping at my tear blurred eyes, I sat up and hugged my knees.

I wasn't strong enough to leave this little shard of peace I was in.

For a while, I just sat and waited. Waited for something to happen, or for someone to wrench me from my thoughts. But there was nothing. My music ended, and I wouldn't go and turn it on again. It didn't matter.

Nothing mattered anymore.

Slowly, the door opened with a creak; the noise making me flinch. A small amount of light leaked into the room. I thought about how it must be day, and that it wasn't morning anymore. It had been 5 days since the Funeral. 5 days of sleep-less nights and solitude.