ғʀᴏᴍ ᴘᴏʀᴛʟᴀɴᴅ ᴛᴏ ʟ.ᴀ. » ᴅᴀɴɪᴇʟ sᴇᴀᴠᴇʏ

Chapter Thirty

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Leaving the Why Don't We house for the last time is hard.

Getting out of the car in front of the airport is harder.

But, saying goodbye is the worst.

After many shed tears, tight hugs, and heartbroken, whispered words, I turn at the gate of my plane to look back at the boys for the last time in who knows how long.

All are sending me sad, but encouraging smiles. All except Daniel.

He stares straight into my suffering soul and the world around me slips away.

I am transfixed by his gorgeous, hurting eyes from a distance, about to make the final decision that will alter whatever future I thought we could have together forever....

I shake my head rapidly, ridding myself of the terrible situation I was imagining in my head.

Making the decision to go to Kither would cause that to happen. I can't do that to the boys. I can't do that to Daniel.

I spend most of the morning alone, staring off into space.

The decision I have to make turns over and over and over in my mind until I'm sick. Every time I think I'm closer to choosing, all of the reasons to stay on the other side come rushing in.

If I chose Kither, how will that effect the boys? How will they tell the fans? How can I live with myself for not only letting some of my closest friends down, but giving up on all of those who have been telling me for weeks that they can't wait to meet and see me on tour? After everything the boys have given me, I'm expected to throw it all away now?

But how can I say no to Kither?

How can I say no to the school that I've been dreaming of attending since I was fifteen? How can I let go of this opportunity? With the popularity and awareness Kither brings to the books of those who graduate, God could use my work to change the lives of so many in his name. How can I be willing to let that go?

My brain feels restless, like one rolling and tossing and turning all over the bed in a desperate attempt to find sleep, though nothing works.

I sniff and wipe under my eyes with the sleeves of my sweatshirt when I hear footsteps approaching my room.

I turn to look at Daniel as he appears in the doorway. His jaw clenches and eyebrows furrow together when he sees me huddled on the floor leaning against my bed.

He takes a deep breath, his expression softening as he lets it out, and slowly walks into the room, sitting very close to me on my left side.

He isn't hesitant to wrap his arm around my shoulders and pull me into him. I settle into his embrace, resting my cheek against his chest.

"It's alright to cry," he says quietly. "It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you any less strong than you are."

My arms slide around his waist as I lean into him even more.

How does he make you feel this safe?

"I don't want to cry anymore," I mutter.