Deformed, Alone, Insane

January 1, 1776

It's a new year. It's starting to become spring, with spring comes life, new life of the song birds and the brighter sun. It's almost cathartic, inspiring almost. I don't even know what to write, what I think about. I've seen so much darkness so much horror and it has been nice to see there's beauty in this world still.

The kids are playing and with this new season I almost feel brace enough to go outside and try to play. But I know that is not an option for me.

I've made my plan to go to Salem on my own, I don't think Catherine would let me leave with her permission. I'll send her a letter when I arrive to let her know I've found my way safely.

It is rather scary the prospect of being completely alone but I am growing man. Or however much man I will ever be. Thinking on it who will teach me to be a man? Who will teach me how to shave or how to tie a tie? Who will teach me how to be a gentleman and how to smoke a cigar?...oh who am I kidding I am already alone! I'm writing this to try and convince myself that after all that's happened I can still be happy, look at me talking to myself no one will ever read this ahahaha I've lost my marbles I do say...wouldn't you, I would say wouldn't you, I WOULD SAY WOULDN'T YOU!!!!!!
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Oh Benjamin silly me, silly foolish boy I believe all will be well now do I? What happened to Salem? What happened to ending the burden you've been to Catherine? I do say the Benjamin you were did die, he died in the shed. You're no longer Benjamin you're something different altogether. Oh poor boy so lost in this world I'll help you find your way. You poor tormented soul.
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No, Im still Benjamin I'm the boy my mother and father raised and loved. No matter what happened I'm still Benjamin I'm still Benjamin I'm still Benjamin I'm still Benjamin, IM STILL BENJAMIN!
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Who are you trying to fool, well this is a diary so the answer obvious. What? Do I scare you, or better worded. Do you scare yourself? Oh little Benjamin. Happy little Benjamin, you feeling scared or sad? Why don't you go crying to your mother...oh...well why not your father...oh yes him as well...Oh I know what'll cheer you up! Why don't you go play with the children of the town?...oh yes, you cannot can you. Hmmm very tricky what to do here.

SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

Oh did I offend you happy little naive Benjamin? I'm terribly sorry.

I DONT WANT TO HEAR YOU ANY LONGER LEAVE ME BE!

Funny thing about that little Benjamin I am you. No matter how hard you cover your ears you'll always hear me. We are one and the same me and you quite joyous we will be together.

NO LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE ME ALONE! LEAVE M...

YOU NAIVE LITTLE BRAT CANT YOU SEE I AM YOU! IVE ONLY SAID IT A TERRIBLE AMOUNT OF TIMES, IM ALL THAT YOU HAVE LEFT MO ONE LOVES YOU ANYMORE EXCEPT FOR ME BECAUSE I AM YOU.

I just, I just want see my mom and dad...

Oh oh Benjamin you will you will no need to become blue. We will be the best of teams me and you! Consider me a protective big brother if you will.

Will you, will you love me?

Oh yes Benjamin how could I not.

So what do we do?

Well I say we shall start by going to Salem wouldn't you? However before we go we do have the unfinished business of Catherine to take care of. Why she'll never let you leave she wants you all to herself the selfish little w...you just let me worry about Catherine little Benjamin...