Deformed, Alone, Insane

December 24, 1775

It's been around 8 months since what happened in Lexington. I've been living in Brandywine, Philadelphia with Catherine's family.  Of course I did spend most of my time here at the local infirmary. My burns got worse on the trip here. We didn't have any doctors or medicines readily available, so my burns festered and my skin began to rot. Luckily frostbite helped with stopping the infection to spread.

When I got to the infirmary in Brandywine the doctors said that my face would be forever scarred and my hands deformed and I will walk with a limp because of my broken leg. Although my scars and wounds run deeper than just physical.

Ever since that day...I've just never been the same.

I've had nightmares every night, all I see is my mother lying in a bloody puddle next to my father. I hear their screams and cries, I really can't remember the last time I've had a full night of sleep.

I also feel so lonely, the kids here don't play with me. They runaway screaming calling me monster, devil, and demon.

I no longer show my face, I place a burlap sack, with eyes cut out, over it. I rarely go outside, the only person I really talk to is Catherine. She's treated me as her own child since we've arrived. But I still feel empty, almost robbed of my childhood.

I cry sometimes when I wake up from my nightmares and realize I woke up from one nightmare into another one.

I get scarred when I catch a glimpse of my reflection, sometimes I do feel like a monster.

I've been so lonely, even Catherine can't be with me all the time. Recently I've been hearing voices around the house and in my dreams. My nightmares have gotten worse and worse, sometimes I see myself as the one who killed my parents.

I wondered to myself why I even bother to live anymore. I feel like I should've died in that shed in Lexington. I guess you can say in a way I sort of did.

I miss my mother, her hugs, kisses, and her voice. Every time I was scared or sad she would sing me a song. "Hush little child don't say a word, mommas going to buy you a mocking bird." I want to reunite with my mother, to hear or see her once more, I would do anything to see her.

Christmas Eve just doesn't feel right anymore! Life doesn't feel right anymore! I don't want to live anymore! Everything has been taken away from me! I WAS MARKED FOR DEATH AND I WISH IT WOULD'VE TAKEN ME! That would've been the most merciful end to my miserable life. I now know what I must do, I am living hell and I might as well make a deal with its sovereign. I am going to take my life into my own hands. My deformed and burnt hands.

I hear a long time ago in Salem there was talks of witches. Agents of the devil himself, they must be able to help me. I know of one the supposed witches from Salem, or at least of her granddaughter.

Hopefully she can help me see me mother again and help me choose my own fate. My future is uncertain and all I know is I will live it on my terms.