Pretty Little Bones

Hush, Hush Now Don't You Say a Word

Hush, Hush Now Don't You Say a Word

The first time we had sex I felt special while Ava tried to feel completely normal.

But she couldn't.

We'd tried a couple of times before, but she always freaked out and wanted to stop. And after what happened when she was a kid, stopping when I was asked to made me a hero in her eyes. It was like I was some kind of saint for treating her like a human.

Sixteen wasn't an easy age for her. Nothing had been easy since the night she had sat in my room and decided to destroy herself. And that was such a big part of who she was. All she had left to give was the body that she hated, and suddenly she started to wonder if it was even worth anything.

It was like she felt so much that she just went numb and I was relieved it got to be with me. Other people didn't know her like I did. They couldn't make her feel special, because they didn't see her. Not the way I did.

I was glad to be her first monumental disappointment.

I was glad to be the one to teach the poet how sex was a spiritual experience that made you feel empty and used. Kind of like when you waste time going to church only to find out that Jesus is too busy.

No one else would have cared. They would have let her lay there under the stars that had lost a little of their sparkle, her blonde hair a tangled mess, pink lips wet, gray eyes shining as she bit the inside of her cheek. Except I hadn't exactly planned how to make her feel better.

Nothing had been planned.

We'd decided to do it on impulse, because that was how Ava worked. She would anticipate and over analyze everything in her life until it became an impossible expectation. If she didn't act on a whim, nothing would ever happen for her.

And she wanted to be normal so badly she would do anything. Talking her out of her virginity wasn't even a challenge. She took the work out of it when she threw the offer on the table. But I still wanted it to be special for her somehow. After all, she was an artist and she thrived on symbolism.

Everyone else waited until their parents were out of the house or crammed themselves into the backseat. She deserved a setting that meant something, so I took her to the creek—the place we would run away to for an afternoon as kids, just to fish and talk and have fun. Just to get away from the world for a while.

She deserved a place that was familiar and comforting. I thought maybe the memories would break the inevitable fall. They would cushion the disappointment. I guess I was right and wrong.

We didn't talk much on the way out there. It was like if we said anything, we'd be shattering the walls around use. Suddenly, the world would be able to find us. The guilt would get in. And I flew down the road, running from it. We were hiding.

As I pulled off the main highway and onto the red gravel of the road I asked if she was sure she wanted to do it. To that point, all she'd verbally agreed to was sneaking away from the people we were hanging out with to go make-out somewhere. But, although she'd never given life to her intentions to have sex, I knew they were there. They were always there since the first night we tried and she found out it wasn't as easy for her as she thought it would be. Ava didn't like thinking there were things she couldn't do. It had to be done. 

Still, I told her we could just go to the creek and hang out. Kiss or fish, it didn't matter. I wouldn't think she was a coward. And for a moment she seemed to consider the idea.

Her gray eyes got distant and her hand shook as she moved it across the cab to turn up the heat. Then, slowly she smiled with her thin lips and smoothed the blonde locks over her shoulders.