Pretty Little Bones

Come On and Use Me

Come On and Use Me

Ava didn't always have terrible luck with relationships. In fact, that boy was really the only problem. The rest were great guys; I liked them for her, though I always thought they weren't worth the time of someone so special. No one would be.

And she didn't mind the girls I had casual sex with on occasion. In fact, she was almost happy I had them. They did things with me she didn't. She couldn't.

We always joked about how we weren't meant for conventional dating like normal teenagers. Both of our longest relationships had lasted, all things considered, about three months and they were horrible examples of love. Hers had been with the stupid boy who wanted to control every moment of the meager existence he left her with. Mine was with a much older woman and it ended on the same night I found out she was married and her husband found out she had a teenage boyfriend.

So we gave up on the dating scene in our own ways. I had relationships that lasted anywhere from minutes to a handful of hours with strangers that wanted to get laid as badly as I did. Ava found nice guys and peaked their interest with her humor and charmed them with her timid nature.

But those relationships never lasted long before she came crawling back into my bed and we went from just friends to the kind of just friends that kissed each other's necks when we were bored. And there were truly never any strings attached.

That was part of the joke. We couldn't make anything work out right in our personal lives, but together, we made the impossible happen. Best friends weren't supposed to have sex and continue being best friends without having their trust shattered and their confidence crushed when one of them found someone else to occupy their time. We weren't supposed to be happy that she talked to other boys and I slept with other girls.

But it made me happy to see other people be good to her. To laugh at her jokes when they didn't have to and to tell her she had pretty eyes or a great laugh. She was so desperate for any kind of positive, unprovoked attention and she was eager to give it back.

None of her "relationships" ended with a severance of ties while none of mine began with any ties at all. I got over people too quickly while she had a hard time letting go. Where I didn't even know a girl's last name, she couldn't stop herself from answering the phone when he called. And neither of us could resist crawling into the other's arms when we were both lonely.

Doing so was what made her grateful for the other girls. She was afraid I would get bored being only with her, doing the same things in the same ways as when we started fooling around. Those other girls did things. They would lay on their stomachs or get on their knees, but she didn't. I never asked Ava to do that.

Not after what happened to her as a kid.

Unfortunately, that's what ruined most of her relationships: she couldn't do those things. And although the guys were nice and understanding, she had to leave as soon as she showed a moment of weakness. Letting people know she wasn't in control was her greatest fear.

More than once she pushed herself too far and could barely swim against the current to make it back to shore before she drown. It was a good thing I wasn't afraid of heights, because I always had to talk her down. No one else knew what to say, but they all thought I did. They thought I could talk her into anything, when really, Ava was the only one talking. Her silence spoke volumes over anything I could ever say.

The first time she had a panic attack in public, I wasn't there and that set Ava up for more anxiety than she ever imagined. But she got lucky. She got really lucky, because she talked herself into everything. I just gave her the words.