Woman may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
That moment when you think your over someone but they're still wedged under the car.
How do you get a sweet little 80 year old woman to say fuck? Get another sweet little 80 year old woman to shout BINGO!
If you die in an elevator, make sure you press the up button.
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail. A best friend is the person sitting next to you saying "wasn't that fun?"
You stand in the middle of a library going AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Everybody just stares at you. You do the same thing on an airplane and everybody joins in.
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquito's?
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy marsh mellows which is practically the same thing.
very sound you hear at night is a demon or a serial killer.
Be nice to your kids, they choose your nursing home.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
This statement is false.
We are all part of the ultimate statistic, ten out of ten die.
If barbie is so popular why do you have to buy her friends?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What's another word for thesaurus?
There are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought, "Where the heck is my ceiling?"
I wish pictures and mirrors could agree on what I really look like.
A baby;s laughter is the cutest thing until it's two AM and you don't have a baby.
War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
Worrying works, 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Never hit a man with glasses, hit him with a baseball bat.
The voices in my head aren't real, but they have some good ideas.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Fox news. So far no news about foxes.
