Guide My Steps - A Zak Bagans Story

Puppy-Dog Eyes

A/N: Emeline above!

"The devil's on your shoulder, strangers in your head, as if you don't remember, as if you can forget. Its only been a moment, its only been a lifetime, but tonight you're a stranger or some silhouette..." - Silhouette by Aquilo

*

Cold water trickled down my sweat laden skin, soaking me to my core. I had remained beneath the chilly spray for at least twenty minutes - trying to feel something rather than nothing at all.

Instead, I was numb, but not from the water's temperature. It was a deep, internal and emotionless paralysis that had taken hold of me months previously. Sometimes it was easy to fight off; a small distraction would keep my mind busy enough to ignore it. Others days, it gripped at my mind and heart, threatening me at all angles, wrapped around my body like a giant icy serpent.

Out of curiosity, I had attended a few one-on-one sessions with Aaron's friend, the psychiatrist. To my surprise, she was a soft-spoken older woman named Lily, who had recently chosen beautiful floral tattoos to adorn her complexion. She admitted that perhaps her judgement had been obscured thanks to some nights with strong alcohol, but she didn't regret the half, unfinished sleeve of roses that ran up her left arm.

We talked about my time spent in England growing up in the Groff family, and how I met Zak, and the following drama that had made me the mess that I was. I really and truly enjoyed her company and advice, but therapy wasn't for me and we agreed to finish out this month - so two more sessions remained.

Conveniently, they were placed before and after the upcoming lockdown at Sleepy Falls. Perfect, right?

Between my ample apologies over the amount of tissues I required, and the several occasions that I ruined her Persian rug with spilled tea, I at least owed her something for dealing with my existence.

I was planning on doing something extravagant for her, but settled on arranging a bouquet with a card, with one-hundred dollars to put towards her partial sleeve.

I inconvenienced a ton of people, but I always tried to make it up somehow.

It had been exactly three days and about a thousand tears since I last saw, or even heard from, Zak. The lack of contact didn't bother me. However, the painful reminders of what he had done did hinder me throughout the day, and that itself was not only irritating in a number of ways, but it was also painful, too.

The conversations Aaron and I shared now seemed hollow, awkward. Though, not hollow as in an unfriendly or uncongenial manner. It was like neither one of us knew what to say to one another, and that much was understandable.

I wondered what was on his mind, and if things would ever go back to the way it had been before. It was a little strange for me to have shared a rather intense, but brief, kiss with someone I hadn't really considered having feelings for.

Aaron was always more like a big brother to me than Nick ever was...but maybe I had misinterpreted the feelings? Perhaps they weren't fraternal like I had originally thought.

I loved Aaron, don't get me wrong. But I had never gave it a romantic association before - I had always been interested in...Zak...to have been concerned with it. And now that I had thought about it more and had time to mix the idea around in my head, I began to slowly realize that Aaron had held me together in more ways than one.

He was the one who was there for me whenever Laura first came around, he helped me so much with the issues Zak and I had while I was first discovering my feelings for him that I had harbored for so long. Aaron was always my backbone - my hug on a bad day, my all-expenses-paid trip to a burger joint whenever I was trying to figure things out, the provider of my new home, my new job.