Ten & Levan

44. Forty Four

LEVAN

I open my eyes, only to find a million stars crashing down on me, they're everywhere I look. I hurt everywhere, my chest feels heavy, my heart is worked out, my eyes sting, and my throat is burning. I'm choking, dying, here, wherever I'm lying, in the dark, in the middle of all these crashing stars.

But when I'm done throwing up the salt I swallowed on my way down, I take a sharp breath in. It stings, it burns, it hurts like salt on a fresh wound. And then all the stars start to fade away, I hear things, but they're only muffled voices. I try to listen, but they're saying heaven, heaven, heaven on repeat. Is that it? Am I dead? I frown, trying to blink away the blur.

"Levan? Levan? Levan!" she says, her hands against my flaming face, shaking me awake. Things fall into focus, and I'm staring at her face, Ten, she's here. She saved me. "Are you okay? God, answer me!" she whines, running her hands through my hair and down my face again. It's cold, she's shaking. Her brows are pulled together, her mouth is grim, her hair is dripping water on my eyes and her eyes, they're overflowing swimming pools.

"I'm fine..." I manage to mutter. But am I? I ask myself. It's so cold that I'm starting to go numb, my thoughts constantly focus in and out of the dark that threatens to engulf me.

"Thank god," she mutters, letting out a sigh and placing a warm kiss on my forehead. Her fingers run down my arms as she pulls back to inspect me. She's holding back so many emotions that I can feel them craving to burst out of her any moment. But when her eyes are done scanning me, her face starts to crumble, her mouth falls open, and she takes a deep, quivering breath in.

"Tell me you didn't..." she says. Her voice could've gone unheard against the loud crashing noise of the waves, but I know exactly what she's saying, even though she doesn't even say it completely. Her mouth trembles, she tenses, afraid of what I have to say. "Please, tell me you didn't..." she tilts her head to a side, her eyes begging me to agree with her but that's one thing I can't do to her, not now; lie.

But even though my chest is still heavy, my throat is still afire, my head hurts as if it's being extracted out of my skull, I'm okay. Even though the dark keeps calling my name, I'm alright. If I stand up and take a step I might just fall, That's okay. But how do I tell you what I'm dying to, Ten? How do I tell you what I've known since before we took the fall? How do I tell you that you weren't supposed to save me at all?

Her bottom lip quivers, a shudder runs through her body, it's as if she's read my eyes, it's what she does when I don't have words. It's what she tried to do before we jumped, but I didn't let her. My silence gives her detailed answers. That's when she backs away from me, sitting back down on her heels in defeat. I watch her trying to get a hold of herself. I watch her as she struggles to keep herself calm. How far would you go Ten? How far would you go to not feel enough?

Her eyes stare into mine, but there's no light in them, just as there's no light in the sky. Her face turns stone cold, her body stiffens. She presses her lips together tight, but she can't hide it anymore, I've let her down, I've broken her trust. I hear her tell me that she loves me in the back of head, I look at her now and realize that she probably doesn't, not anymore. I've ruined me, I've ruined us, I've ruined her.

I wince, for my heart starts to ache as her face crumbles, it's as if she's about to crack and break. I try to sit myself up, the pain is excruciating it's hard to take. I can explain, Ten, I can explain. But just when I need the words to come out the most, they leave me.

"I hate you..." she tells me, and I see it in her eyes that she means every single word of it, "I hate you, Levan." She stands up then, and turns to walk away. My body shudders, my eyes blur up, my heart falls apart, it's come undone at the seams. I should have known it wasn't as strong. Don't walk away Ten. I need you to stay, Ten. I need you to stay.