Why I Have to say Goodbye

Toxic Curls

I ran from that room faster than i ever ran in my life. I had to get away. Away from you, away from her, away from what i did, away from what i let you do.

Far, far away.

Because that's what i was good at. Running. Running from my problems. Far away where none of it mattered and i could start over. A clean slate, a fresh start.

I got on the bus. Keeping my eyes low so i didn't make eye contact with anyone. I was pathetic. I was so messed up. I screwed up bad this time. And i looked guilty as sin.

I got off the bus after a few minutes of what happened replaying in my head.....

'Ant i never did this before.'

'I know but don't worry, i think you'll be good at this.'

I shook my head to clear it. To get you the fuck out of my head Ant.

I went home. Staying quiet. Walked through the door, went straight to my room, grabbed some clothes then ran to the bathroom. I needed a shower.

I turned the water on, undressed and stepped into the shower, letting the water drench me. I had to wash you off me Ant. The smell of you, the feel of you. I had to be.....clean.

I stood in that shower for a long time. Making sure i scrubbed every inch of my skin so you were completely gone. Until i was me again. Until i couldn't feel your fingers in my hair anymore.

'I hate you Ant.'

'No you don't, now finish it.'

I lifted my head and let the water hit my face. I was drowning in guilt. I didn't know how to fix it. How to make it all better. How to face Emma. How to look at Ant. How to look in the damn mirror.

I got out and dried off. But my face was still wet. I wiped it again. That's when i realized. My face wasn't wet from the shower. My face was wet from the tears streaming down my face.

I let myself collapse onto the floor. What had i done? I gave up my innocence. My halo was gone. It had been replaced with a brand new set of horns. My wings had fallen and i had a pointy tail to replace them.

Never make a deal with the devil.

Never sign away your soul.

Never trust a player.

Never agree to something you know is wrong.

Never.

Because sooner or later,

The devil comes knocking.

He demands his due.

You get hurt.

And you end up screwed.

I get dressed then go to the sink. I grab my toothbrush. I scrub my teeth until my gums bleed. I had to get that taste out of my mouth. The taste of you Ant. But then i realised, that taste wasn't you. It was disgust.

Why the hell did i trust you? Because i didn't see the big picture. Why didn't i run away screaming bloody murder? Because I'm the one that commit the murder. Why did i care so much? Because unlike you Ant i had a conscience.

And it was overwhelming me. Making me feel like shit. Like i was the most horrendous person in the world. All thanks to you Ant. You and your lies.

I go to my room and lay on my bed. Burying my face into my pillow as i cried. I cried for Emm, cried for you, cried for me. Cried because i done fucked up. I let you play me. I let this happen.

I wallow in self pity. Like i said, I'm pretty pathetic. But i still can't help but think of you. What you said. What your hands felt like wrapped around me. Then....how it all came crashing down.

I don't know how to explain it Ant. What you were to me. But I'll try. It was like i was in a blizzard. Slowly freezing to death. I had one match.  So i got some sticks and made a fire.
You were that fire. I needed the warmth from it. Enjoyed the heat. But then i got to trusting and fell asleep. I ended up rolling over, and in the end. I got burnt. You burnt me Ant.

That's what you were to me. My lifeline. My downfall. My everything. My nothing. My savior. My killer. My hero. My villain. Why i hate you, why i loved you, and anything in between.

Cigarettes. I haven't laid my hands on one in weeks. I was trying to quit. Trying to quit a bad habit. One that could have been the death of me. But right noe i really can't fight the urge. I'm too tired to, and to be honest i couldn't care less.

I roll out of bed, slip on my shoes and walk out the door. Well....i already made a mistake today. What the hells one more gonna do?

I take the path through the woods. I have a little spot up on the mountain. I usually go up there to think, and occasionally have a smoke. I make my way up to it, pushing away branches and twigs.

I make it. I see the fallen tree. The one that i sit on. I dig out my stash of cigarettes and a lighter. I look down at it and study it. Is this worth it? Hell yea. I light up.

Inhale.

Hold.

Exhale.

Repeat.

I look up at the sky. Its grey. It looks like its going to rain. Hey.....what do you know the weather matches my mood. Thanks mother nature for knowing me so well.

I smoke the cigarette. Okay Ant, i get it now. I get what you did. I get why you did it.

I meant nothing to you.

I was your excuse.

I was your way out.

I smoke the cigarette and watch as everything you are, everything i am, everything you said, everything we did, slowly goes up in small puffs of toxic curls.