Why I Have to say Goodbye

He Noticed Me

     I wish I never laid eyes on you. I wish that instead of seeing the good in you i would have seen how much of a jerk you really were. But that's not who i am, not who i was, and not how it was meant to be.

     But that's okay Ant, because you taught me something. Through it all you taught me something i never would have figured out without you. Trust no one.

     You built me up, you broke me down, you put me in chains, but yet you freed me. I wish i could say i hate you, but i don't. I never did, i probably never will.
    
     If it weren't for you I'd still be that girl that nobody noticed. The one who sat in the back of the room silently. The one nobody ever noticed was missing. The one who stayed hidden so she'd never, ever have to feel pain, or get hurt. Until i met you.

     From the second i laid eyes on you Ant, i was a goner. You, funny, laid back. Baseball, basketball, football player. Yes, i put you in a stereotype. And all i wanted for so long was just for you to notice me. If only i knew at the time.
    
Now you can say i was a terrible friend. After all you were my so called 'best friends' boyfriend. But i literally couldn't help myself. You just intrigued me.....infuriated me. Sparked my interest. Well okay, I'll admit it, not for you for myself.

I was a really shitty friend.

But I'm not going to take all the blame Ant. It was your fault too. Your fault for flirting, your fault for lieing, and your fault for not being loyal. Although i guess thinking about it i didn't help the situation much either.

But that was just you Ant. You could care less. As long as you got what you wanted. Who gave a flying fuck about who you hurt in the process? That was your attitude. But me being stupid, and blind, and utterly naive i saw passed it all. Which is why this is also my fault.

It started with that one damn text message. If only you could have kept your damn mouth shut. But you didn't and you couldn't. You never did, but guess what, i saw right past that too.......like i said, stupid and blind Ant. Stupid and blind.

You lied to me. Not that that's a surprise. I mean what the hell did i expect? A fucking fairytale? Well that is just hilarious....but i trusted you. And god i wish i hadn't. Because you Ant, you were the devil in disguise.

You know how everyone says be careful what you wish for? Well i wished for you, and everything you said through that damn text made me think my wish came true. That it was a miracle. But really i made a deal with the devil himself.

Did i think about the consequences? No, did i ever? No. Was i crazy, delusional, out of my fucking mind? I'd love to blame it on those things, but no, i wasn't crazy. I was just straight up stupid.

So what did i do when you made the offer? As pathetic as it is i got excited. But hell Ant what did you expect? You finally noticed me. Noticed my existence. And that right there was something i had never ever had before. Thanks Ant, even if it was all just a lie.

You asked if you could come over. I should have said no. I should have blocked your name from my phone. I should have ran in the other direction screaming. But did i do any of these things? Of course not, or we wouldn't be here now would we?

I would be safe. Tucked away, alone, yet with dignity still. You, you would still be you, only the you before you ever noticed me. And she....she would have never had a reason to be hurt. But at the time....none of that mattered.

All that mattered for me was, you. Making you happy. Finally noticing me. Finally giving me the time of day. Trying to be someone you weren't. Totally trusting you when i should have called bullshit. Should've.

All that mattered to you....was me. In a screwed up sort of way. Getting what you wanted. Making me trust you. Telling your million dollar lies. And i believed every single one Ant.

I was stupid.....you, you knew the game. I was a beginner. You were an expert.

The text was simple really. "Can i come over?" A smile snuck onto my face, god if i would have known then. "Well why not?" I was real stupid. "Are you alone?" "Yea." "I'll be right over." "Okay."

I waited.....i squirled through my phone carelessly. I had no damn idea what i had just done. I just made a deal with the devil, and i didn't even realize it. And go ahead, laugh Ant, but that's what i did, and that's how it happened, and that's why we're here.

I look through the pictures on my phone. Pictures of my friends. The 'squad' that we liked to call it. The one that was currently falling apart. Friends were ditching friends. Talking shit on each other. Friends turned to enemies. And we Ant, we were about to destroy the squad even more.

I find one of us. We're posing in the gym. It was at the volleyball tournament that's when things were good. Normal, and fun. When we all had fun with each other, and cared about each other, and when we swore nothing would come between us. But things had changed.

Somewhere along the line we started to split up. One by one friends started turning on each other. Walking out of each others lives without even a second glance. People moved away, and the seam that held us together was slowly getting stretched and coming undone.

I think that's part of the reason i agreed to this. What we were about to do. Everyone else was giving up, so why wasn't i?

I agreed to this, but then again........so did you.