Woman

April 23

Dear Diary,

April 23

Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts, literally? Have you ever cursed God for allowing you to love your wrongdoings? But, isn't it our fault that we love the wrong things we do? At this moment, the paper is stained by my tears. At this moment, I finally understand.

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The night Emmanuel came home, he confronted me about the mistake I partook in with Chris. I knew he would know. I knew. But, it didn't matter how hard he pushed me down or how hard he punched me, I could never answer truthfully that I actually hated what happened between me an him.

That man. The man that I shared sin with. The man that I have known for years. The man that I share a business with. The man that always sees through my strong façade. That is the man who, unknown to me until now, partially has my heart, mind and soul.

I hate that I fornicated but, I love what I did. Dear God, forgive me of my sin but you may hate me because I loved it. I loved it. I loved every moment of it but, it is wrong and it will always be wrong. Sin is sweet but, us humans, we crave the taste.

I sat quietly in my office as the soft vocals, of a singer I wasn't familiar with, caressed the stereo's speaker. It wasn't until the radio station's DJ announced that it was the time of the day for an old-school song, and the all to familiar tune played, that I actually stopped and related to this song for the first time.

If loving you is wrong, then I don't wanna be right...

Loving him is wrong but, unlike Barbara, I want to be right. I have been a good girl all my life, it's too late to turn back now. I will always fight for the things I want and right now I want my marriage. I want my husband to love me. I want to not have these feelings for Chris. I want to have my relationship with God back. I want peace. I want freedom.

My eyes averted to the turned down digital picture frame on my desk. "Why is this turned down?" I asked myself aloud, brushing the cold black metal with my thumb. When I turned it on, the slideshow of pictures started. I smiled and laughed at them and even let tears of joy vacation on my face.

It was the picture of me and Emmanuel that caused a moment of reminiscence. It was that picture that reminded me that back then, it wasn't all bad. Back then, life was worth any pain we went through. Back when, we only had us, the small apartment we shared and a few snacks in the fridge for dinner.

"Baby!" I yelled, walking into the bathroom where he was using the toilet. "This is all we got left." I said holding up the two packets of Ritz crackers. "What we gon' do? You don't get paid 'till the fifteenth and my dad don't give me money 'till the end of the month."

He wiped his butt before answering. "Don't worry about it Adira. We are going to be fine." He closed the bathroom door before pushing me up against it. His breathing on my neck made the hair all over my body stand like a soldier in training. "We got eachother, if that's all we ever have." He kissed me; kissed me like he would never leave me; like I was Eros herself. The kind of kiss that made men fall in love with Cleopatra.

When I realized what he was initiating with the kisses, that had somehow moved from my lips to my thighs, I stopped him. He slowly stood and watched me with eyes asking 'why'. "My nigga," I told him putting one hand on his shoulder, "you just busted a shit. No."

His entire face turned crimson red as he blushed and tried to hide his face, which made me laugh and him run out of the bathroom. "Emmanuel!" I shouted still laughing. "Emmanuel!" I called after him following him out of the bathroom to find him in the bedroom. He had already pulled out his CD player and put his headphones over his ear.