Falling apart [Twilight]

Chapter 16 - Revealed

Thanks for reading and notice that I have changed quite I bit in this chapter and chapters to come. Sorry for any confusion, hope you enjoy.

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Bella POV

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I was sitting at home alone, recapping what had happened. I don't know how long I've been here for. Days perhaps? I just know it's been a long time. But I felt like I needed the time to sort my head out. So far I knew what I had felt that day.. I had wanted to kiss Edward. It wasn't a heat of the moment thing. I knew what I wanted and it terrified me. How could I become so close to Edward in a matter of weeks? So close that I wanted to kiss him. I knew that Edward was different, why he was so easy to talk to, why I felt so at ease around him, and the warmth that I felt in my chest, where my un-beating heart lay idle, yet when I'm around him it's like he's awaken it and I feel alive again. I thought that Edward made me feel like this because I thought that's what friends do? When the word friend entered my mind, I suddenly became very uncomfortable with it. That word didn't fit this situation. Not at all. It didn't do it justice. I began to resent the word quickly. Edward thought we were friends, didn't he? He acts like he's my friend, what if he doesn't feel the same? What if he sees me as just his friend while I'm searching for another word. A stronger one, a word that fits. My worry began to build quickly and at this point, I knew that I had been thinking for too long. I stood up, not feeling the slightest bit stiff after days of sitting in the same position. I looked out the window and saw that it had snowed heavily over the past few days and thought it would be a nice environment to try and clear my mind.

As I opened the door, I breathed in the crisp, cold air and decided to head to the meadow. I pictured what it would look like, the snow glistening on the ground, ice on the trees. Before I left, I turned back and retrieved my drawing pad and a pencil. I set off and arrived shortly, despite my slow pace. I was right about what it would look like. It was truly breathtaking and suddenly I felt guilty for staying inside for so long. I didn't want to disturb the snow on the ground so I just sat where I stood, pulling out my sketchpad and began to draw.

As I drew, my mind wandered again. These feeling I had about Edward, they were all knew to me. I had never felt anything like this before. I had never felt this close to someone so quickly..even Sophia. As her name entered my mind, I thought about how Edward still didn't know about her. He wanted to, but I kept stalling. Before I could do anything with these feelings, I would have to tell Edward. I didn't know what to do with my feelings yet, but I felt like the first step was telling him. I would wait to see his reaction. To see if he looked at me with pity. I would have to reveal to him everything that had happened. After seeing his reaction, only then would I truly know what to do next.

It was an extremely large risk and I felt hesitant about taking it for a moment. What if I told Edward everything, then he saw how weak and broken I was and decided he wanted no more to do with me? I imagined the situation and shuddered at the horror that I would never get to feel happy and relaxed around him again. I would never see his family a second time. I would be rejected and on my own, yet again. That single thought alone, terrified me. I began thinking about it again, but differently this time. Would Edward do such a thing? He had promised to be my.. friend. He could hardly just give up after promising. There had to be a reason he wanted to be my friend. I remembered how he reacted when I told him about my family. About how long I had been alone for. His reactions had never been hurtful before? He had been kind and caring, Why should this be different? It wouldn't be. I knew that Edward wouldn't just give up. I don't know how I knew, but I did. I would tell him. It would all be okay and there would be nothing left to tell. I could enjoy his presence without feeling guilty or feel like there's something hanging over me. I would do it, because I could.