It's not often that I wish that my nightmares would never end. In fact, I don't think I've ever thought that before. I've never wanted those little feet running through the wood, chased by the sound of hounds and alarms before the inevitable fall to ever stop running. An endless chase that will never come to its conclusion. Never has this happened.
But as I jerk from my dreams, I almost beg it to take me back. Shoving the pillow over my face in a futile attempt to drop back into the horrors in my head just to ignore what reality has to offer. At least I know that they'll never catch me. No matter how real it seems, the voices will never catch me.
Here, however, is a different question. This world can hurt me. Has hurt me. And it's only going to get worse. It's going to get so much worse...
I stare at the room that I once called my own. Everything in here hurts to look at. Once full of happy memories, they now serve as a brutal reminder of the life that I've lost. The life that I've shamefully given up on. All because he...
As the pain rips through my heart, I force his name out of my head. I can't afford to think of him. I can't give myself any reason to back out of this. It's the right choice. I know it is. Even though it hurts like fuck, I know that this is the only way forward.
I glance over at the clock. Seven thirty. Half an hour. That's all I have left here. Half a lousy hour...
I sigh, forcing myself out from under my covers. The carpet that once was so soft now feels like daggers under my feet. The splashes of purple on the wall that once made me feel so fuzzy only makes my heart want to palpitate in panic. All the cuddly toys that I called my friends are now my enemies. All because...
Stop it, Alex. Seriously. You aren't making this easier on yourself. Or is that what you want? Do you really want to feel this pain day in and day out after you've left? Is the guilt gnawing away at your insides not enough? The memory of his voice as you broke him. Broke the broken man...
As I step out of my room for the last time, I see the single suitcase by the door. The one that I arrived with six months ago. I've gathered so much more since then, but I don't want any of it. I don't want any of those memories to follow me. So I'll leave them here. Leave them for him...
I sigh, dropping myself onto the settee. My body feels like lead as I go, heavy with the regrets and disgust in my heart. The ones that will never leave me alone. The ones that will be worse than any nightmare that I could possibly have. These are real. And reality hurts more than anything...
Something catches my eye. As I turn my head, I see the little black bit of material that threatens to be consumed by the pillows beside me. I can't help but smile as I reach out and save it. His hat. The one that he used to wear all the time when I first arrived. But the closer we got, the less he wore it. His comfort blanket soon became me. And he was mine.
I curl my fingers into it, holding it to my chest. Letting the butterflies escape through the tears that fall, dampening the object in my hand. I shouldn't let this happen, but I can't help it. And I don't want to stop this feeling. This very last feeling of happiness when I think of him. I slide the beanie onto my head, pulling it against my ears...
“It looks good on you.”
I rip it off my head, jerking my eyes to look at the intruder. But it's only Danny. I drop my eyes, wringing the hat in my hands.
“It's not mine,” I mumble. “It's...”
“Mark's,” he finishes for me. A part of me breaks away at the first mention of his name in well over 24 hours, and I force myself to nod. “He hasn't worn it in months. The longest he's ever gone without it. You know why that is?”
