The Head Tie - Hamilton

Hamilton - Chapter Four

"Can I see Alexander?" Eliza paused. Hercules felt weird for coming at the little time Alexander was home, and smiled at little Philip, who was toddler, and giggled at him when he stuck his tongue out. She sighed. "Yes, but good luck talking to him." She said, opening the door wider so he could step in.

He knocked on the door of the study, and received a muffled "come in".  When he walked in, he had trouble spotting Alexander over the piles of papers. But in the middle, on a cramped desk, writing his heart out like usual, with a pile of unanswered letters near his feet, was Alexander Hamilton.

"Alexander."

"Hercules?" He stopped writing and stood with a smile that felt way too forced for the other to be comfortable with. "It's been a long time."

"It has." Hercules replied blankly. "I just came to tell you that...that..." He couldn't get the words out, and he could feel tears trying to push themselves out of him. "T-that..." He heard his smaller friend rush out from behind the desk and place his hands on his shoulders. "Hercules, my friend, are you alright?"

That was all it took, and he was there and it was stupid because he was crying on the shoulder of Alexander f***ing Hamilton who'd be the only one who understood if he could get the goddamn words out, and Alex was confused and patted his back awkwardly because they hadn't seen each other for years and suddenly they were crying on each other.

Because he started too.

Because it hurt. Because they were the only two of their group left. Maybe just because they needed a hug, badly, or maybe it felt like the only familiar thing in the coldness of the world, or maybe...maybe they just needed contact from someone who knew.

When Hercules finally calmed down, he pulled away. "T-there's a letter for you, Alexander." The secretary rubbed his hands over his face and kneeled down, rustling through them, wondering how Mulligan knew, until he found one with familiar handwriting. He cracked a grin and pulled it open.

His face dropped quickly.

"...Oh Jesus Christ." He whispered. Hercules nodded. Hamilton looked up at him with sad, empathetic eyes. "I'm so sorry, Hercules."

"I know you are." He mumbled, staring off to the side and fiddling with his hands. Alex shook his head. "No, I haven't been there for anyone since..."

"Since John died. You loved him. All of us knew it. It's understandable. " Alex nodded and then shook his head hard. "It's no excuse! I was being selfish. You..." He looked at the pile, Lafayette's letter still gripped in his hand. "You wrote every day after John died. I just never replied... But I didn't realize I needed to see you again until I was sad that they stopped coming."

Hercules didn't respond.

"I-I...I'm...so...so sorry. I don't deserve to call you a friend." Hamilton started shaking and brought his hands to his face. Hercules hadn't noticed little Phillip come in.  "Pa, what's wrong?" He asked, pulling on the side of Alexander's jacket. His father uncovered his face slightly and smiled, sweeping his son up into his arms. He groaned slightly. "You're getting big, aren't you?" He laughed as he hugged the toddler. Hercules watched with a faint smile.

"You're a good father." He said quietly. Alex shook his head as Phillip wiped at his eyes, grinning at the little boy like there was nothing else in the universe. "Not good enough. "

"One never thinks they're good enough for their children." Mulligan replied. Alex gave him a fond look, placing Phillip down and ruffling his hair.  "I suppose not. Go play whilst Pa talks with Uncle Herc, okay, Phillip?" He said  gently. The toddler looked concerned, an expression he'd no doubt picked up from his mother. "You were sad! I don't want you to be sad."

Alexander kneeled down, placing a hand on his son's shoulder. "Remember when I told you about my friends back in the fight? And how one of them, Mr Laurens, went to heaven? And I was very sad about it? "

The small boy nodded. "Well, another of my friends, Mr Lafayette, went to heaven too. And that's why I'm sad. But Uncle Herc loved Mr Lafayette a lot, so he came to me for help because friends help each other." The child nodded with a small smile and hugged Hercules' leg.

"I'm sorry that Mr Laf-i, Laf-ay...Mr Laf is in heaven." He said innocently, and Hercules patted his head with a smile. "Me too."  The boy ran out of the door and Hamilton's face turned solemn again. "Will you be alright?" Mulligan paused and wrapped his arms around himself, staring at the floor. "I don't know. Eventually."

"...Don't do anything stupid." Alexander said gently, his eyes softening as he hugged his friend goodbye. "Come around again sometime. Or write to me. I promise I'll reply."

Mulligan nodded woodenly, taking in how it felt to hug one of his best friends because he knew it'd be a long time before he could do it again. When Alexander pulled back, it seemed like they both didn't want to do so. Hercules said goodbye and watched as Alex threw himself back into his work with more force than before, and then closed the door behind him.

He didn't mention the obvious cramping of his friend's hand, or the tears gathering threatening to drip over the bags under his eyes, because he knew Alexander didn't want him to. He knew that Alexander would just flash another fake smile and say Hercules was seeing things, no matter how bruised his wrists were becoming, no matter how watery his eyes got, no matter how alone he looked.

Because he knew Alexander Hamilton.

He thought he may have been the only one left in the world that did.

Hercules said a respectful goodbye to Eliza, and she smiled, simply thanking him for getting her husband to step away from his work from even a second. Little Phillip was at her side, and waved shyly when Hercules kneeled down, wishing him goodbye. The man smiled, and then left the Hamilton's house, somehow feeling even more heat up than when he came.

When he got home, he stared at the tie for a little longer, Lafayette's letter gripped in his hand tightly. And he let himself cry again, but this time it was angry. Too angry. He slammed his hands against the table. "Stupid superstitions...Stupid Lafayette...Stupid Alex...STUPID EVERYTHING!" He grabbed the tie with his free hand, letting the letter go so it could drift back down onto the table.

"YOU LIED TO ME!" He screamed, not hiding to himself the way his hands were shaking, the way he was sobbing again. He didn't know who he was talking to. Himself? The tie? Lafayette? At the thought of his boyfriend, he threw the bunched up tie against a wall. "YOU SAID YOU'D COME BACK!" He wailed, trying to stop the tears by leaning his eyes on his fists.

"You said you'd come back..." He repeated forlornly.

It hit him that he was breaking down way too much lately.

He decided he'd write.