The Dreamer ✓

Letter 08

NO. 8;  A LETTER TO YOUR BEST INTERNET FRIEND 

JANUARY 13th, 2014

Dear Raven,

Evelyn (and Dad and Jasmin and Ariel) says I spend too much time on my laptop. She says, I need to get off the interweb (she actually said interweb) and go outside and socialise. I always tell her I've already been "outside" and I've "socialised" and it hasn't been much fun.

Yesterday, she barged into my room without even so much as a knock. If I had done that, she would have me hung, drawn and quartered. Of course I wouldn't dare because just last month, I walked into her and Zachariah Baird (who I'm pretty sure is dating Imogen Collins) in the middle of a pretty heated snog session. Raven, they were practically naked and rolling around on her bed. I think I screamed and Evelyn screamed and Zach screamed. I ran out of the room. I had the urge to wash my hands out with soap and bleach and eradicate the picture from my mind. Now I always knock beforehand because I'm afraid of what I might see.

Sorry, I'm rambling.

So, yesterday Evelyn barged straight into my room and started rooting through my wardrobe like she was looking for Narnia. She was throwing my clothes everywhere, not caring about the mess she was making.

"Where are my jeans?" she asked and swivelled to face me. Her hands were on her hips, her perfectly made up eyebrow quirked high. She noticed my confused expression and sighed, "the faded blue skinny jeans I bought like three days ago."

I imitated her exasperated sigh and returned to my laptop, "I don't know."

And I didn't really care because I had this conversation with her so many times. It's always to do with clothes or make-up and how she's lost something or another and how I must have stolen it. I wasn't really listening as she started ranting at me and talking about how important those jeans were if she was going to succeed in outshining Christine Wellington. I didn't care.

You see, my attention was on Tumblr. Raven, you and I both understand how addictive that site is. All I do is reblog things and talk to you. It's funny because I don't have many friends in my real life, and yet when I log onto Tumblr, I have more than I can count. When I'm online talking to you, Aishwarya and Makoto and so many others, I don't feel so...so alone. I feel like I'm part of something, like my voice can be heard. In school and at home, I always end up feeling like this insignificant dot, like nothing I do makes a difference. Do you know what I mean?

You know how when you drop a stone into a pond and it creates a ripple, watery rings spreading and weakening as they rise and fall on the liquid surface.  Well, I feel like a stone that is dropped into a pond but makes no ripple, no noise. I simply drop and sink. Sometimes, when my days are darker than usual and everything feels grey, I feel like that stone.

Some days I can feel myself falling, collapsing into the water without even so much as a splash or sound. I try to kick, to swim to do anything but the more I try, the stronger the pull and quicker I sink. My scream swallowed by the salty water that fills my lungs. I sink deeper and deeper into the dark and all I can see, all I can feel are icy fingers yanking me down.

I hate those days.

I could never tell anyone this you see. I can't tell my friends, not Emma or Kali or even Georgia in fear they would judge me. I can't talk to Dad or Jasmin, they wouldn't understand. They would just think it was one of those teenage hormones things and you and I both know there is no chance in hell I would ever talk to Evelyn about this. I doubt she would care and she'd probably call me a freak and tell all her friends about how pathetic I am. Even you Raven, I could talk to you about this but I would only tell you the diluted version, nothing to deep or dark because I couldn't stand anybody knowing something so broken about me.

Oh God, I'm being depressive again. I won't bore you with sob stories Raven. What I'm saying is that, when I go online and I'm blogging on Tumblr, I...I guess I don't feel so insignificant. I don't feel like a stone that doesn't make a ripple you know?

Raven, I wish you didn't live in New Zealand. I wish you were my sister instead of Evelyn. Oh I wish you could see how handsome James looks with his new haircut. It's not as messy anymore and I think he's actually started brushing it (something tells me it's because of Natalie Huxham). You knew about my crush before I even knew myself. You've been telling me for ages to just 'get some balls' and ask him out already and I've been telling you for ages there is no chance in heaven, earth or hell that would ever happen. James and I, we're impossible. I'm scared we might be the only impossible thing in this universe. 

Cause, Cher Lewinsky says he's gonna ask Natalie Huxham out soon. They've been hanging out a lot lately and every time I see them, she's always touching his arm or laughs at something he said. He usually smiles back or leans into her. It makes my blood boil and my heart break all at the same time.

Raven, do me a favour, don't give your heart to anyone. Keep it in a cage and that drop that cage into a deep dark chasm where no one will ever find it. You're safer that way. 

Y'know, I told you once, I can't stand myself.

Why? you said.

I'm not good enough. I want to be better. How can I be better?

Don't, you said,  you already are. 

I don't know why I laughed. It sounded like a good joke. 

Love, Morgana.