The Diary That Was Long Overdue

January 11th 2012

       So the shrink said I should keep a journal. She thinks it might help to write out everything on paper first. I think she's pulling at her last straws, because I refuse to talk. Its been 8 sessions of silence.  I don't understand how she thinks writing it down will help. How is the ink supposed to remove the lump in my throat every time I think about the problems I'm supposed to talk about. I don't understand why I have to talk about my problems anyway, they still exist talking about them doesn't make them vanish. That's not even the icing on the cake.
      The real kicker is the therapist they gave me. What a joke, graduated from north western high school. She's probably never experienced a traumatic event a day in her life. North western is the pristine school, top notch around here. She can't understand my world, I'm a freshman at McKinley alternative school. I go to the troubled kid school as they call it, and she graduated from the rich snob school as we call it. I'm not saying she's a bad person or anything. I just don't believe she can make me want to live. 
        Most people are scared of death, I'm afraid to live. That's why I'm here. I tried to attempt suicide, and apparently it's not normal for a 13 year old girl to want to die. My life's messy chaos and pain, if this is it I'd rather just throw In the towel and see what death has to offer. I swallowed over 300 pills and sliced open my left arm repeatedly. Yet here I am. Mom came home and found me in the bath tub, after screaming at me she rushed me to the hospital. Where I died, but unfortunately they brought me back to life.
     After getting back to health they put me in the psych ward for about a week. Now that's a fun place. I'm being completely sarcastic. I had to talk there, or they wouldn't release me. Talking didn't help the pain, it only made it worse. It made the pain resurface. It all starts with one question. "Why did you try to kill yourself?" The first time I answered I was a smart ass. I simply looked the Dr. In his eyes and said "because I wanted to die." He didn't like that I wasn't taking this seriously. He gave me one chance to change my answer before he was done with me for the day.
  Eventually I caved. I wanted out of there so I could start planning my death again. I told the Dr. all about it. How I was set up a week before Christmas by my new "best friend". I met Kaylee my first day at McKinley. We were the only girls in our class and we became friends when we both snuck out at lunch for a cigarette break. Mom warned me about making friends at the troubled school, told me I wasn't like those other kids that they would get me into trouble. I should have listened, I got a lot more than just trouble. I earned a world of pain.
    I didn't get kicked out of normal school like the rest of the kids here. I wasn't expelled I mean, I still didn't have much of a choice though. I was bullied at my last school for being fat, poor, smart and ugly. Constantly I was the cool kids Target. As if I didn't have enough going on at home. Then I realised something, they would continue until I stood up for myself. That's why it all started in the first place. See last year I got the shit beat out of me because mom made me promise not to hit back. Everyone seen it, and everyone knew all I did was snitch on the girl who'd done it. No one likes a snitch. She got glory, and I got bullied.
   I started fighting back. That first punch was all I needed, and all of a sudden things turned black. I had so much anger held inside me when I finally let it out I'd black out. I began fighting over everything, you showed me the tiniest bit of disrespect and fist were flying. I wasn't the shit talking type, I just wanted to pound out the anger that filled my soul. I was equal opportunity for fighting. I didn't care if you were gay, straight , white , black , female or a male.
   Of course there were consequences for my actions, after being suspended so many times I had to have a meeting with my parents and the principle. Mom was not happy that she had to miss work on my account. After hearing why I'd been fighting though mom turned her anger to the principal. She threatened his job for letting the bullying continue, if he expelled me. So he gave us the option of McKinley, and I told mom I wanted to go. I thought it couldn't be worse, and I could start over. I was sadly mistaken.