Letters to The Cosmos

killed.death.1

Dear Death,

You're very taunting, do you know that? I've been trying to reach out to you for so many times, but I'm never brave enough to actually do it. I have been thinking of you constantly and maybe one day I might actually be brave enough to reach out to you. I know that now isn't the time for me to do so, I have so much stuff to do left and because of that, I wish I can easily forget you. I've tried, but it's not as easy as it sounds, since you've been popping in my head. More recently too.

I think that cutting myself eases the desire for me to meet you, it slowly puts away the pain that's in my heart, in my mind. Cutting myself is like therapy, but I know that it's not the right way, and by cutting myself I am not going to heal both physically and mentally.

When the cold blade touches my skin, I felt guilty. I felt as if doing this is wrong, it's not the right way, having these thoughts about you is a disadvantage to not only me but also to everyone who cares about me. But I did it anyway, to relief myself from the pain.

Depression. I know that there's something wrong with me since I was in 5th grade but I never wanted to admit that I was depressed, since there's no reason for me to be. But there's no other explanation to what I'm feeling.

No one knows how I feel, maybe they do know, they just don't understand. It's like water. I'm drowning. I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't safe myself because the liquid is continuously pressuring the hell out of me. So I go with the flow, letting it be the master, letting it take me to you.

I don't think that I can handle myself much longer so I'm sending this letter to you, to just give you a warning, you know. To tell you that I'll meet you soon.

-adrienne