Axis

august 10th

"ABSOLUTLEY NOT. NO WAY."

"Lexi, come on! Just for a little while, for me. You can leave whenever you want."

"I really don't belong there, and you know it."

Jasper sighs, clearly frustrated. Apparently he's known for a few weeks now that nearly everyone who's anyone in our grade is throwing him an official going away bonfire at Ethan Schultz' place while his parents are away on some business venture. It isn't explicitly said, but I know exactly what that entails. This is more than a casual going away thing for Jasper; it's a party. Complete with a keg, smuggled bottles of vodka, and the rich glow of teen drama and secrecy. None of which I take any interest in.

Besides, nobody really wants me there. This is for Jasper, and it's meant for everyone who isn't me to get a proper goodbye. Because for a lot of these people, tonight will be the last time they will ever see their treasured friend. They don't need me there taking away from that.

"You know what, Lex? I'm not giving you a choice. You're coming," Jasper says, immutable finality in his voice. "Fight me on this all you want, I'm not letting you miss out on this this time."

Annoyance creeps up under my skin. He doesn't get to dictate what I do. Parties aren't my thing, and even if they were, I don't want to go behind Aunt Colleen's back, making false excuses about a hangout with people who aren't my friends at a place where alcohol is bound to be present. I don't like lying to Aunt Colleen, period. And the fact that Jasper thinks he can peer pressure me into this kind of irritates me.

"I don't want to go, okay? Pretty sure I get a choice in regards to what I do with my life." Whether intended or not, bitterness creeps into the fabric of my voice, meshing itself into each syllable.

Jasper looks frustrated. "You never want to go, Lex. Don't you think it's time to stop hiding away from the world and start actually living in it? You can't keep avoiding all the good things in life because you're too scared."

I stand up, brushing myself off. He's right, he always is, but I don't want to hear it. I would much rather sit up in my room alone than have this conversation again. "Bye," I remark flatly, turning to walk away from where Jasper's sitting on his dock. "Have fun at your party."

"You're being ridiculous!" he yells after me as I march away. "I'll be over to pick you up at six-thirty, like it or not!"

I circle round my house and walk through the front door, up the stairs, all the way up to my room, shutting my door behind me. I sit on my bed, bringing a pillow and clutching it to my stomach, and for a second I think I'm going to cry, but nothing comes out. I'm dry as the Sahara.

You shouldn't be here, a voice in my head tells me. Things were so much easier before you entered the picture. Leave it to you to make everything difficult.

I expel a shaky breath, feeling more like a disease than a person. My head swirls with ideas like should've never been born and pathetic and hopeless. I feel like I'm drowning, and instead of fighting to find my way back to the surface, I grow limp, letting the water wash my body far away from here, someplace where I make sense and I'm not a burden who frustrates good people like Jasper when I don't even know what it is that I want.

It's happening again.

It's been months since I last thought the words, a toxic string of four syllables. For a while there, I thought I was able to push the thought away, keep it from permeating my mind. But for the first time in a while, it's back, and I feel it settling in my bloodstream like a gray, marshy lagoon drowning out what little life there was.