Axis

august 1st

Dedicated to all the broken people out there who feel like they're spiraling out of orbit and feel helpless and confused. You are not alone and you are good enough, no matter what you tell yourself.

 ______________________________________

        IF I HAD TO narrow down the day that I both singlehandedly treasure and regret the most, it would be the day that I officially met Jasper Reynolds.

        Before he became a constant variable in my otherwise primitive life, I was flat lining cataclysmically toward a direction that led absolutely nowhere. I still have days when I can feel myself facing that direction, but the feeling isn’t ever as prominent when I’m around the ridiculous mess of a dirty blond-haired, green-eyed boy with the freckle under his left eye and birthmark shaped like a whale on his right forearm.

        Truthfully, I was at a dark place in life during those days, especially for a small eighth grade girl who was expected to live her life to the fullest and attend those cheesy middle school dances that played those God-awful songs on the pop top 100 charts. Not to mention the plethora of prepubescent drama that managed to finagle its way into some unfortunate souls’ lives each time.

        Even back then, I feared drama and ran away from it like I would run away from an axe murderer.

         My only real friend came in the form of Meredith Billingsley, notorious mahogany-haired daredevil, known for talking back and just plain talking in general. We had hit it off in sixth grade when she and I unintentionally wore the same striped Aeropostale shirts on the same day, back when that was the cool place to shop, and apparently in Meredith’s mind, that made us soul mates. And thus, a friendship was born.

        Meredith was a good friend, I’ll give her that. She was always dragging me out of the house, calling me up with the latest scoop at school, or inviting me to sleep over at her house so we could stay up until three in the morning watching rom coms and eating popcorn and having dance offs on her Wii. I guess you could call her my best friend, although she was friends with everybody. She still is, to be honest.

        All was going well. But then she met an at-the-time freshman named River Fitzgerald, and things started progressing differently.

        Everything was River this, River that, and slowly our friendship became undone at the seams, slowly and steadily loosening the thread that once bonded us together. There wasn’t any kind of official falling out, and to this day we still smile and say hi every time we see each other, promising to catch up sometime in the near future.

        That never happens, of course, but it’s the thought that counts, I suppose.

        Anyway, once they officially became an item near the end of eighth grade, suddenly River was everywhere. Trips to the movies now involved the three of us, me on the end, Meredith in the middle, and River on the other end, arm loosely strung around her shoulders. Sleepovers consisted of Meredith inviting me to sneak out with her late after her parents had gone to bed to meet up with River, to which I always declined and insisted that they have their alone time as a couple. That was partially due to the fact that I was unwilling to intrude and be the third wheel, and partially because I was terrified of getting caught and facing the repercussions of what I back then considered to be such reckless behavior.

        One day, Meredith had insisted that I come along to the kickoff of the annual summer-long Abilene carnival with her, River, and a friend of River’s who happened to be in our grade. I asked who this mysterious friend was, but she had refused to tell me and insisted that I would have a lot of fun regardless. I wasn’t thrilled, but our friendship was fading right before my eyes and I was willing to cling on to what few things she did invite me to anymore those days, so I obliged, albeit slightly reluctant.