Red Means Dead

Mending

In the morning I wake slowly and actually refreshed. I'm facing away from McCoy, his arms wrapped so tightly around me I'm surprised I can breathe. His arm that I'm using as a pillow comes across my chest and grips my left arm, his other arm is wrapped tightly around my stomach and tucked under my hip. It's almost like the thermal bandages I was wrapped in after Eris but this time my soul is being healed.

McCoy, his nose pressed into my hair, sighs behind me and his breath, hot and moist, flutters against my neck. My body reacts with a slight shudder and presses against his chest and his arms tightened even more. I forgot how wonderful human contact felt, arms wrapped around me, breath on my skin. It's like a craving for ice cream that I needed to satisfy and had finally realized. I am content and I haven't been able to say that for weeks.

Looking at the clock, I curse under my breath as I realize my shift starts in ten minutes. Gingerly, I extract myself from his hold, grinning when I turn to find his arms in pretty much the same position. Reaching over him, I grab a pillow, mildly surprised to find a large portion of the bed unoccupied behind him and slip the pillow between his arms. He instantly tightens his grip around it and grumbles in his sleep causing me to wonder what he is dreaming about. Quietly, I climb to my feet and tiptoe from the room, not looking back in case I woke him and he is watching. I don't want to make this weird. It was just about sleep and that's how I want to keep it.

Shift goes surprisingly well, though I arrived four minutes late. All it took was telling Scotty that I was with medical for him to give me a sympathetic nod and a soft pardoning. I promised not to let it happen again and that I'd work four minutes longer to compensate. Everything seemed to click finally, equations that I always knew that were sloppy and slow to come to my brain in the last few weeks were readily accessible. At Mess, I found a few colleagues from engineering and asked to join them, registering their surprised expressions but not letting them get to me. I was different, maybe more like I was with Mei though not completely. I even caught myself laughing at one point, my fingers fluttering over my mouth trying to catch the sound and savor it.

I saw McCoy once though he didn't see me. He was walking with the Captain, engrossed in what he was saying, the worry wrinkles present on his forehead. There was a tugging somewhere in my chest, urging me to his side to offer support but I kept it at bay. That wasn't my place. We may be friends but he had others to rely on.

Tonight, after a scalding shower that used far beyond my allotted amount of water, I slip on a pair of shorts and my largest cadet shirt, one that I had commandeered from a friend, and collect my PADD to finish some reports I have neglected in my foggy state and climb into bed.

It feels good to be back to some kind of normalcy; reports, equations, figures, differential calculus, things that I am confident in and really enjoy. Time slips by quickly and before long, a week's worth of reports are in Mr. Scott's inbox awaiting signatures. Taking a deep breath, I smile to myself, pleased with what I have accomplished.

Checking the time on my PADD, I find myself wondering what McCoy is doing. It is the same time as last night, when I barged in on him. Blood burns my cheeks when realization hits me that it could have gone so very differently than what it had.

Chewing on my lip, I tap my finger against the device in my lap and realize that I am actually feeling okay tonight and that I am ready for sleep. The ghosts are absent, at least for the time being and I know that it is because of McCoy. I will have to thank him later, his words and comfort getting me over the treacherous hill that I have been climbing for so long.

Rolling onto my back, I pull the covers over me and think about the warm blanket in McCoy's room. Maybe he'll let me borrow it to get me through the rougher nights. I am not naive enough to think I am over my funk but large strides were made in just one night.