Now You Know ✅

Chapter 15: Vulnerable at Night

What the hell did I do? What was that for?

Why did I stare at him like that?

Do I like him?

No, of course not. He's just attractive - like Gary Kieth.

That doesn't mean I like him. I don't like him. I certainly don't - not like that.

I love April.

But I don't feel the love.

It's a bloody platonic love.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

I'm gay.

All of those words had been swirling inside his head like trapped debris after an explosion when Pelham and Lucio headed back to their cabin later that night. Pelham had been trying to push those thoughts away - closing his eyes, clenching his jaw, curling his fingers into a fist - as he stared at his reflection in the mirror. Anyone not paying close attention would mistake his impassive eyes as him being sentient. In truth, as he observed himself, it was the other way round. He could just tell how full of anguish his eyes were. He had been cursing at himself for a while now, for he had been failing to erase the war that was raging in him. The seemingly incessant battle, never as much as wavering to let Pelham breathe. 

Earlier, Lucio had asked whether he was all right. He must have noticed the vacant look in Pelham eyes; the one thing that Pelham had always masked, and the one thing that most people had always failed to notice. Pelham had simply nodded in response, however, before he went to lock himself in the bathroom. Lucio hadn't bothered to ask again since then.

This camping trip was supposed to provide some sort of distraction from the perpetual battle that was raging inside him ever since he was in his early adolescent years. Now that he thought about it, it could be nothing more than a wishful thinking. A futile hope.

He could stay in the bathroom for the rest of the night if he wanted to. Though, after deliberating with his choices of sleeping area, the idea seemed downright ludicrous. He was, after all, in a phase - no, he was back in a phase full of plights. The last time he was in it, he had been disoriented with his sexual preferences. He might not be disoriented now, but he was definitely muddled with his feelings. It was tearing up at all of his guts.

And he didn't know what it was, where to put his fingers. It was like studying a map without any lands on it except for the vast ocean.

He didn't think it was another juvenile phase, now that he thought about it. In fact, it looked more like a tribulation that he had to endure for the rest of his life - for eternity, if he were to put it correctly.

He wanted to talk to April. He really did - he'd always wanted to tell her, after all. But he didn't think it was that of a brilliant idea to express things on the phone without watching a reaction cross her face, without any form of a tangible contact. Moreover, such act was regarded as cowardly, especially coming from a boy like him. He wanted it to be original and sincere. No charade. He thought that maybe he should get it all over with once the trip was over.

Apart from all that (he swore his subconscious was practically yelling at him) he was definitely not infatuated with a Hispanic boy. Irrelevant, he told himself, frowning at his reflection on the mirror.

Pelham exited the bathroom after brushing his teeth and changing his clothes. It was nearly one in the morning now. Lucio should already be fast asleep in the next room, for he was the one who had been whining on about how deadbeat he was and that they should call it a night.