the VIRGIN husband and his SEXPERT wife

devirginization 35: risk

"I will order pizza, ano gusto mo?" I told her while scrolling through the pizza delivery app.

Pero wala akong nakuhang sagot. She just headed her way to the bedroom.
Ako? Di ko alam gagawin or sasabihin ko. Ganyan na sya after nung nangyari sa hospital. She became silent. Not uttering a single word or kahit making gestures like nodding wala talaga para akong nakikipag usap sa hangin. We've been like this for 2 weeks now and di ko alam gagawin ko. Tho, kumakain pa rin sya at naliligo pero di talaga namamansin. Ako mababaliw sa silent treatment nya eh.

Pinuntahan ko sya sa kwarto and saw her looking at the ceiling while holding a book on her lap.

"Uhm, how about jollibee? Gusto mo chickenjoy?" I sighed when I still got no answer from her. Panini naman eh, sinong ayaw ng chickenjoy? Hays.

Nagulat naman ako nang biglang may nag ring na phone and I know that's not mine. So hinanap ko yung phone nya dahil wala din syang pake kung ilang beses na nagriring yung phone nya at para na rin maka alis sa awkward scene ng di nya pagpansin sa akin.

"Little survivors foundation?" bulong ko nang tinignan ko kung sinong tumatawag. I looked at Panini and she doesn't seem to bother.

I cleared my throat as I answer the phone. "Hello? Panini's husband speaking," na-impress ako sa sarili ko dahil sa opening line na yun ah.

Isang mahinhing boses ng babae ang sumagot sa kabilang linya na mukhang ilongga dahil sa accent nya and oh ilongga mommy ko so I know this.
"Oh, good morning sir I am Angie from the Little Survivors Foundation and I am here po kung kailan po ba mag drop by ulit dito si Ma'am Panini? Miss na rin po sya ng mga bata dito sa ampunan,"

Bigla ako napatingin kay Panini. I've never known this side of hers. Well sa itsura nya kasi despite of being a young mother, mukha syang di mahilig sa bata yung anak nya lang gusto nyang alagaan at wala syang pake sa ibang bata. Lalo na kaya kami kinasal is for her to have a baby at ayaw nya mag ampon ng bata. Who would have thought huh?

Tinignan ko lang si Panini habang nakatingin sa ceiling. Ano kaya tumatakbo sa isip neto? Hindi naman sya mukhang naiiyak or nalulungkot blanko lang yung mukha nya. From that very moment may idea na pumasok sa isip ko.

"I'm sorry" I suddenly stopped scrolling when I heard her apology and as I look at her, she's seriously looking at me and I never seen her act like that til now. Ano ba dapat ko isagot? Pero for what ba sya nagsosorry?

"I've caused you so much trouble. All I want is a baby. You know what, nababaliw na ko and I am afraid I will get crazier and crazier as time goes by kung di ako magkakababy," she said and slightly sniffed and bit her lips preventing herself to burst.

"Y-you want Yuki back?" I asked in curousity. "You know that's not gonna happe--" I stopped mid sentence, I don't know if I can finish it. Naluluha luha na sya eh.

"I... I know. I just want a baby. I had her too young I also lost her too early. Sya na bumuo ng childhood ko, I spent it taking care of her--but then I lost her. I know she's not coming back but at least I want to lessen the burden inside me--yung guilt, yung pain, yung loss, yung grievance. People will always say that I just need to accept it and move on well it's not that easy for me. Especially when they're not in my position. To be honest, I really don't know if having a baby will cure the pain inside me but I wanted to try. I want to have a baby Drej, I dyingly want to." she blurted then started bursting to tears. I can feel the pain in every word she said. As she wipe her tears with the back of her hand, I can see that she wants to cry the pain out pero pagod na yung katawan nyang umiyak, pagod na syang iasa sa luha nya ang mga dinadala nya.

Ang daming tanong sa isip ko. Like, pano yung future nung baby? Syempre anak ko rin yun. Paano sya palalakihin ni Panini? Pipilitin nya ba yung bata mamuhay under Yuki's identity na magiging unfair sa kanya? Di ba magagalit yun paglaki nya kapag nalaman nya na set up lang paggawa namin sa kanya? Yung magiging future family ko, matatanggap ba nila tong side ng past ko? Pinoproblema ko na yung future ni ang dami ko pang tanong sa past nya, sa tatay ni Yuki at sa kanila nung ugok na Renz na yun.

"How are you sure that having a baby will fix everything - will fix you?" napabuntong hininga ako.

"I... I know that it is so hard to understand but it so hard to explain on my part too. I am not really that sure how will I improve if I ever have a baby pero isa lang nasisiguro ko, this will change me." she convincingly insisted.

Pero looking at Panini, she really looks so helpless right now na ang tanging kailangan nya ay ako.

Well, I have to decide din naman. I don't know what will happen in the future pero I have to consider Panini's situation for now.

I sat beside her, grabbed her hand and kissed the back of it. She moved to face me and I can see a princess with so much sadness in her face.
"We will work on it, okay? Just give time. May regla ka pa," natawa naman sya sa sinabi ko. I saw her smiling with those teary eyes. I never seen a smile so precious like that. Yung malungkot mapapangiti mo, ang sarap pala sa feeling.

"Please bare with me, okay?" she looks at me like asking for assurance through her eyes.

"Yes, I will." I said looking straight to her eyes.

I hugged her at habang nakasandal sya sa chest ko may biglang sumagi sa isip ko.

Si April.

Now that I am settled--well sort of. Should I still wait for April to come back? I guarded myself from anyone. We promised to each other na maghihintayan kahit anong mangyari pero dahil sa mga nangyari ngayon, biglang nagka plot twist sa buhay ko. Ngayon di ko alam nararamdaman ko sa babaitang to. I know I am starting to like Panini pero di ko alam kung dahil ba sa awa, sa libog or dahil kailangan nya ko? Mixed emotions, sa totoo lang. At di ko pa alam if it is worth it.

Si Panini pa lang ang babaeng nakasama ko ng ganto katagal eh. Maybe naooverwhelm lang ako sa nangyayari. Ganun talaga virgin pa ko sa lahat lahat eh di lang sa katawan pati na rin sa relasyon.

Kung babalik ka April, I hope wag muna ngayon. Sana after nalang masolve tong kay Panini. Nakaka confuse pa.

Nang makatulog si Panini sa chest ko, binuhat ko sya papunta sa bed room and she really looks like an angel when she sleeps. Ngayon ko lang sya nakita up close na walang nararamdamang libog. Nagagandahan lang ako. Hindi ko alam na mangyayari din pala to.