Ruined

twelve

I go to the front desk asking for a woman that was also in the crash. Wondering what may have happened to her.

"Are you family?"

"No she was also in the accident with my wife. I was there I nearly saved her."

"Uh she's in recovery but should be okay. Was concussed but she should be okay."

The word okay pangs in my chest and I ask, "May I pay her visit? Please?" The woman shakes her head no and apologizes. I walk away and return, "Please I promise not to mention you. I'll just say I found her."

She reluctantly gives me her room number which is another wing. I walk pass the nursery and pass some of the rooms to get to hers.

Getting into her room I notice she is asleep. Looking at her asleep I want nothing more than for her to suffer. She did this...she made my daughter motherless. She took my wife away from me, she doesn't deserve to be okay. She stirs in her bed and wakes her eyes widen as she sees me.

"My wife is dead." I say in a low tone staring at her. "You killed her."

She cries a little and looks at me her eyes clearly young. I see all the things she has and how amazing her room is. Definitely an upper class citizen. Which only annoys me further.

"What you did killed my wife! You killed my wife! You took away my only daughter's mother!"

My cries erupt into low depressing sobs and she begins to cry. Not long after, nurses on the floor come into the room. Her finger squeezing the assistance button. They are taking me out of the room. Only after security shows up do I realize how stupid that was. But my father comes from the hall and explains my behavior because I couldn't. All I could think to say was she killed my wife.

The officers send me on my way and my father pulls me in for a hug. And I squeeze holding him close to me trying to feel something. My body has felt numb since the news was given. He pulls back and grabs at my shoulder.

"Son look at me! You can't go around pissed at everyone and pissed at the world. You're allowed to cry and be upset you lost your wife. But your daughter still needs you. She needs you now more than ever."

Heading that I wipe away the tears and begin nodding my head. I face the wall trying to breath. Her lips, her eyes, her smile, her dimples, her face. I see her in my mind alive, well, and happy. She's laughing and she's alive.

I bang my fist on the wall trying to pound out the pain. Trying to punch away this feeling. Because now, suddenly I'm feeling everything. I had felt numb, then angry, then numb, and now just sad, somewhat afraid. But mostly alone.

My dad rubs my shoulder, "Son, it's just you and her now. You get to take her home. You need to take her home."

I wipe my damp cheeks and walk along side my father to my daughter's nursery. The doctor comes into the nursery and mentions things and hands me papers telling me what to expect and what is normal and abnormal. She gives me another paper with some information about depression. Then hands me the discharge papers. My dad offers to drive me and Helena home and I accept. While I'm okay to drive I'd rather not be driving in the state of mind that I'm currently in.

I hold onto the papers and then grab a hold of her. I leave the hospital carrying her close to me inside the blanket. My parents and in laws following behind me.

***

Lying in bed I hold Helena close to me as she sleeps. My cries silent so not to wake her. But every three hours she wakes from her sleep her cries louder than mine. Each time for something, the first time she was hungry. Second time a full diaper. Then again she woke and again was hungry. My night filled with activity and active thoughts I got no sleep.

As the sun rises and my parents are over for a visit. Each of them look at me. False smiles etched onto each of their faces. I try my hardest not to mention the elephant in the room. Sensing my refrain my mother brings it up.

"Have you spoken with a funeral home. It's best to do it sooner rather than later."

"Her mom will be doing everything since I have to take care of Helena..."

My mom then asks, "And how are you taking care of Helena."

"I'm getting by." I admit, honestly.

My dad intercedes as my mother stutters and stammers, "How can you take care of your child when you look like you're running on no sleep and no food. We noticed you haven't eaten since we've gotten here."

"You've only been here an hour."

"Two hours now and we're going on three. When was your last time sleeping son?"

"I don't know maybe when Tori was in the hospital." A full 48 I have been awake I notice. I haven't been able to sleep. How can I? I don't have the desire to eat or sleep. I almost feel as though I don't even have the time. But you do. My subconscious is quick to remind me.

After enjoying Helena and worrying about me they start for the door. My mother hugs squeezing her small self into me. She pats my belly and then my shoulder before grabbing my cheeks.

"You can't take care of her without taking care of yourself. Promise me you'll get some sleep tonight. Promise me Niall." Her words come off pleading, begging for me to do as she says.

After they leave Helena is back to sleep. I decide then to go into the kitchen and get something to eat.

A/N

In honor of it being my daughter's birthday today! I want to wish my love a HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I love her so! To my Aleena on Nov. 6th!! ❤️❤️❤️ I hope you all enjoyed this chapter we're almost to our end. Later Loves! -x