Forever and Always

Chapter 20: Damn emotions

During the night, a sheet of snow had covered New York. Sophia looked out the window, watching the wind pick up and carry the snow away. Nicolas stood only a few steps away from her, watching her. Suddenly, Sophia realized that it was to be Christmas soon, that it would be another Christmas without him....

Nicolas watched as his soon to be bride pressed her hand against the window. He was saddened when he heard her let out a small sob. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to him as she cried. Her tears were absorbed by the fabric of his dress shirt. He stroked her hair lovingly.

"Cara, why are you crying?" He asked in a whisper kissing her head. Her face still nuzzled into his chest.

"Because Nicolas.. I will miss him... Just like every year." She spoke in a sob. Nicolas grew confused. Who was she talking about? She hadn't cried last Christmas, from what he had seen.. But then he had remembered that was the year he had spent most of his time in his office working.

"Who?" He asked.

"My grandfather." She spoke as he felt another tear on his chest.

"Your Grandfather?"

"Yes, my grandfather. He passed away years ago.. But it never stops me from missing him. You see Nicolas, I have problems too. I am not perfect like you believe me to be. I am far from it. And I know that it has been a long time since the day he had passed, but I still cry. Most of the time it was as if he was here only yesterday. But around the holidays I miss him most. We had such lovely Christmas' together Nicolas. They were so lovely... And I miss them.. Because without his laughter, his presence, it hurts all so much. One year when I was quite young, I was spending the night with my grandmother and him. My grandmother of coarse made cookies, and that had been one of my favorite memories, him and I sat at the counter and drank milk and ate cookies, and he had made me laugh so hard that I spit milk all over the fridge, and he gave me this look, why I don't even know how to describe it, but I thought that face he made at me was even funnier than the joke. Oh and he was so brilliant, you could ask him any history question in the world and he would have the answer. I miss him so much. He was a hard working man his entire life to provide for everyone. He would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He was a great man, Nicolas. I wish you could have met him. He would have liked you. He would be happy that I finally have someone to share life with, when often times my life I had no one..." She trailed off in a whisper.

Nicolas' heart went out to her. He knew that her family was the most important thing to her. He knew that family was the only thing she had.

"May I ask how..."

"How he passed?" She questioned quietly. He didn't want to hurt her at the memory, he was just curious, and she knew this.

"Yes." He whispered.

"Lung Cancer took his life.. Just like his father, and his fathers twin brother, and their father before them.. He was out traveling the world after his divorce with my grandmother, he was in search of new sights. However, he came down with much worse of a cough than the terrible cough that he had had for years, we always just assumed it was all the things he had breathed in over the years, for he had worked in many factories, and he was a mechanic for some time. But it wasn't. When he had found out he had cancer, he had come back home and my grandmother had taken care of him, even though they had gotten a divorce. I remember the first day he came home... I remember the day before he passed.. I had come to my grandmothers small home, to see his four brothers, his mother and some of his life long friends, as well as my grandmother, mother, Uncle and brother. There he lay in that old hospital bed in the small living room. My uncle Kenny had been outside crying. I sat on the couch next to him, holding his hand and watching as he struggled out each breath. You know then, I wished that it was all a dream, a nightmare. No person on this earth should have to struggle to breath the way he had.. And I cried. Just before my mother made us leave I leant close to him and whispered "I'll love you forever.." Because that was the same thing he had said to me days before, when I was going into the house to grab him something and he had stopped me. "I'll love you forever." He spoke and I remembered stopping in my tracks then.. I remember it taking everything I had not to cry. "Did you hear your grandfather, Sophia?" My mother had asked me. And I nodded. "Yes. I did. I'll love you forever too." I spoke, not truly knowing how to respond, and when I went into the house I cried. And no one ever knew. The next day he had passed away. And I will never forget those words he said to me, or the words that my young brother had said after my mother had told him. She had said 'grandpa is gone..' Crying. And I cried too, but I never cried as hard as I did when my brother spoke, 'why? Is he coming home soon? I missed him so much when he left before, why did he leave again? When will he be home?" Sophia spoke as she cried.

Nicolas hugged her in his arms tightly. He couldn't bare to see her so upset. He had never seen her that upset in the time they had known each other.

"Sophia.." He whispered as she sobbed.

"I'll be okay Nicolas, really..." She spoke trying to contain herself. She took a deep breath in and slowly exhaled. And like that her tears stopped flowing and she looked as if she wasn't crying at all.

"Why do you do that?" He asked her.

"Do what?"

"Bottle everything up like that? Keep everyone locked away from your feelings? Pretend as though nothing is wrong, and when it is, and you show it, you stuff it back into that bottle where it came from and stick the cork back into it? Cara, it is okay to not be okay sometimes. It's okay to cry and scream and go absolutely mad sometimes. All I want is for you not to keep the burden of things you feel, locked away to torture you. I let mine go when I met you, I don't understand why you can't too." He spoke.

"Because Nicolas, it is easier than telling everyone about it. It's easier to make myself suffer. It's easier to keep that cork in the bottle. Because if it ever comes out there's a whole lot of things that would change everyone's mind about my happiness, about myself." She spoke looking to the ground.

"Well, what happens when you put too many things in that bottle, Sophia? What then?" He asked her angrily.

"I don't know. I don't. But I guess I will deal with it when the time comes. Won't I?" She stated before trying to walk away for him. He grabbed her by the arm.

"No. I want you to stay and talk to me. Empty that damn bottle Sophia! Break that damn thing. You are going to be my wife, I need to know you like no one else does. Sophia, I love you with all of my heart, and I let you in, now you need to do the same." He spoke searching her eyes for anything that may be a response to his question.

"Alright." She whispered.

At 6:00pm, as the snow flew outside, Sophia and Nicolas lay next to the fireplace in the darkness of the Library, wrapped in a blanket together as she spoke of memories, and feelings she had felt. And in that moment, he understood her like no one else did.

"Sophia, will you hand me that bulb?" Nicolas asked as he stood upon a stool reaching for the top of the Christmas tree. They were decorating it together. Sophia ran her fingers over the deep red color of the bulb before handing it to him. He smiled at her. She couldn't help but think about their conversation earlier that night. Did that conversation change anything between them? Did he think that she was completely mad?

"Darling what are you thinking about?" He asked her as he noticed her train of thought elsewhere.

"Do you believe me to be mad Nicolas?" She asked him.

"No. Not at all, not any more mad than the rest of us Cara, we are all a little insane." He spoke with a laugh, and she laughed too.

"Thank you." She spoke.

"For what?" He asked.

"For making me break that bottle.." She trailed off as he stepped down from the stool and kissed her slowly, running his fingertips down her neck.

"It was my pleasure.." He whispered as he left the room to get a glass of wine.