Fix me

Letter to Jeremy

Dear Jeremy,

I wasn’t allowed to tell my best friend or sister what you did to me. It was our secret, you said. No one could know.

I couldn’t look at other guys anymore. All I saw was you.

I wish you would have just tortured me instead of the ones I loved.

But it just wasn’t enough for you. It was never enough.

My best friend hates me because of you. But I’m beginning to think that maybe she wasn’t really that in the first place.

Did you know that you ruined my life? I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t even close my eyes without seeing you over and over again.

Wasn’t one time enough for you?

Did you fill your job of protecting me yet?

Are you happy that you controlled my life? Every part of it. There was no escaping you. You always had that leash wrapped tight around my neck. Until one day you didn’t.

Because the secret got out, Jeremy.

And everything changed.

I wasn’t sure anyone could save me anymore, but someone did. But then what did you do?

You pushed me further, but I had already won my first battle and things were about to change.

You couldn’t hurt my friend anymore. I made sure of it. But that didn’t mean you still couldn’t hurt me.

You pushed me over the edge and for a long time, I was falling. Until someone caught me.

Because not all guys are as bad as you.

You could never understand. You could never understand the feeling of what I felt with him. He was everything you weren’t.

But I still couldn’t seem to get rid of that hold you had over me. I wondered what would become of me if you kept twisting me, slowly snapping me in two.

And when my mother came back and I wondered if she would stay if she knew what you did to me. But it didn’t matter.  I didn’t need her because I had him.

And I wouldn’t let you destroy us.

I began to do things I never thought I would do after what you did. And then you went in for another battle, another victory.

I wonder, will you ever be done? Even now, with you gone, I still feel you, always with me.

I sometimes had days where I think I never got rid of that hold you had over me and I’ll never really get better.

And you weren’t always my biggest worry, but you were still there, never leaving me alone for one second. And maybe you never will.

But I will never be yours again.

Did you know how many knew our secret? You weren’t as good as at keeping it a secret as you seemed to think you were.

Do you think you’ll ever change? Or will there always be that worst part of you, hiding among the good? I think so. I think you’ll always be the monster you were on That Night.

There are too many threats about you, but I’m not as afraid of them coming true.

Everyone knows now. They know what you did to me and I’m free.

You were never the one in control, I want you to know that. We both believed that you were, but you weren’t.

And I want you to know that there will always be wings to catch me when I fall.